First, how people shouldn’t react. These things tend to make the situation worse and give atheists lots of blog fodder for how some Christians can be terrible people:

1. Starting a theological debate or arguing over the content of how a person feels or even what they say during a very emotional time.
2. Saying, “I’ll pray for you” if the person is an atheist. Most atheists aren’t bothered by this per se, but “I’ll be thinking of you” tends to mean more, just because if you know a person is an atheist, it feels a little bit like the Christian is rubbing the atheist’s nose in it.
3. Relating said misfortune in any way to the spiritual status of the person.
4. Trying to use something terrible to teach someone a lesson. (From the sounds of my writings on my blog, I am doing the same thing, but it’s important to note I am not saying these things to my parents, nor will I, because I have the social skills to know that now is not the time. If they read it, that’s their choice, but I have told them to not read here and I have not given them the blog address, and they have not told me that they do. You can think what you want, but there is a time and place for everything, and the middle of a crisis is NOT the time to try to get someone to see your point of view.)
5. Don’t go to someone’s hospital room and distribute Christian literature, like someone who gave my brother a copy of a book on biblical manhood did. It is incredibly disrespectful to try to use someone’s misfortunes as a springboard to get them to agree with your personal beliefs. How would you feel if I marched into your intensive care unit room and gave you a copy of The God Delusion and asked you if I could hope out loud that you would turn away from God? What kind of person would that make me? So how does it make you a good person to do the same? When someone is sick, you give them a gift they would want. If you can’t find a book you can give them in good conscience, try flowers.
6. Don’t turn it into how you feel and how you have so much to deal with, and isn’t your life just hard and aren’t you just a little martyr going through so many trials for Jesus. How utterly selfish. Again, from the sounds of things on my blog, I am doing the same thing, but again, it is important to note my intended audience is not the people who need support. I don’t have a problem with people turning to their church families for support, but when you carry that attitude (even if you don’t carry the words) back with you, that’s wrong. It lacks compassion, and it’s not supportive to sigh and talk about how you don’t want to be there or making sure you let others know what a sacrifice you’re making to help out. Making it about you is one of the worst things you can do.

Finally, here are a list of things that are good responses:

1. I’ll be there for you.
2. I’m thinking of you.
3. Give hugs.
4. Bring food.
5. Keep me updated.
6. I care.
7. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
8. Let me take you out for coffee, and you can tell me all about it.
9. How can I help?
10. I just want you to know I’m here for you.
11. Compassion, Respect, and Acceptance

My mother-in-law has her faults like anyone, but I love her to pieces and we get along great. She is almost as conservative as my parents, and it doesn’t matter. Religion, even conservative religion, doesn’t have to divide. I’m an atheist, she’s a Christian. I am sure she probably prays for us, and I don’t care because she doesn’t make a big show of it, or act condescending with it (you know, the whole, “Well, you can have your wittle feelings hurt, and you can run away from God, but I will always pray for you!” attitude). She has a great capacity to love other people. Agreeing with her is not a pre-requisite for love: she knows that we are adults and she respects our ability to think things through for ourselves, and she accepts us as we are, with our faults and different beliefs and all. She does this because she has compassion. She hasn’t forgotten what it’s like to be young and struggle. She remembers what it’s like to go through what she’s been through, and she meets people where they are emotionally instead of tearing them down because they aren’t as spiritual as she thinks they should be. If I am such an angry, bitter person toward religion, then I wouldn’t be able to have a good relationship with her. But like I said, our relationship is that of mutual respect. She listens what we have to say without freaking out that we are going to go to hell, and she really cares to know what we think. I couldn’t ask for a better mother in law, I don’t care how religious she is. At the end of the day, we want to be loved, and it doesn’t matter what someone is politically, religiously, sexually,  or anything. Love is like light and we are like moths: we go toward the love, as hippy as that sounds.

It’s pretty much the same as you would for anyone else, and not that hard to figure out if you really try. Be sure to scrub any self-righteousness from your tone, because people will pick up on it. If you need a concrete example, look at Grace’s comments: We don’t always agree, but when it comes to crises and matters of the heart, she completely ignores anything I said that may have offended her, and gets to the heart of the matter. She picked up on how I was feeling, and didn’t try to “save” me. Steve re-tweeted some stuff I posted about my brother, and one of his Christian followers we know in person acted with nothing but care and concern. It was very thoughtful and appreciated as much as my secular affirmations of support.

Honestly, this stuff is kind of a no-brainer. I don’t think people are malicious, but they sure are thoughtless. It’s super simple: Just treat people the way you would want to be treated. And no, that doesn’t mean that you want to have prayers and verses recited at you so you do the same for others. Turn it into what it is at its core: you want to be treated with love and respect where you are, not where everyone else is. So do the same for others. It’s just part of being a decent human being.

While cleaning out my email inbox this morning,I found this lovely gem.

Dear Friend of [Redacted] Ministries,

I am requesting that you give this your prayerful consideration and forward it to everyone you know.

I urge everyone to please support this movement. Please support, attend and/or help organize a TEA Party rally in your community.  Please encourage others to do the same.

Please support T E A (Taxed Enough Already) Party day, April 15. Our country faces a grave danger.  Our elected officials in Washington are leading us down an unwise path.  We need to act now to stop this situation.

Please go to this web site for more information: http://www.teapartyday.com/

May God continue to bless America…  What will it be if He does not?

Chaplain [Redacted]

(Emphasis his.) Hmm. This particular chaplain runs a 501(C)(3) organization. I know ministers can’t endorse a specific candidate, but how about this? This is old, but I am curious. I figure something like this happened:

Minister: Hmm, I really like this TEA party thing. But how can I get the word out? Oh! I know! I have this handy little email list of supporters of my organization! I’ll just use that! (Types email, hits send!)

Even if it’s legal (and I think it probably  is since the AFA is also nonprofit, and they support the TEA party movement, though their organization at least pertains to politics), I still think it’s incredibly unethical, particularly considering that his organization has absolutely nothing to do with politics. He runs a chaplaincy program and ministers to emergency service workers, etc. Nothing to do with right wing morality or politics. Using an email list of people who support your desire to help others in crisis situations to endorse a political party is super tacky, especially considering that there are Christians out there who might want to support this ministry and vote for Obama. I think it’s tasteless when pastors endorse politics from the pulpit for the same reason (apart from the legalities or separation of church/state type stuff). A pulpit or ministry is not the place for this type of thing because there can be no discussion or exchange of ideas. This alienates those who may agree with a minister on religion, but not politics. A preacher’s job is to preach the Bible, not interpret the Constitution or become a political ad.

I sent this to Steve for his Ask Steve column, but I don’t think he’s done the research on it yet. So more comments to come, and I may redact the redaction when I have more information!

(Note: This particular post has nothing to do with my personal view on politics, and I am neither endorsing nor criticizing any specific political party in this post.)

“Oh, a book we read for church. I hated it.”

My curiosity was piqued. “Why?”

She started to say something, but was interrupted. A few minutes later, while putting another book away, I spotted another copy of the book she trashed. “I found another one!” I exclaimed.

“Throw it away!”

What could possibly be so terrible that she hated it that much, I wondered. I’ve never seen my parents throw a Christian book in the trash. It was A Life That Matters, by Ron Hutchcraft. I’d heard some of his stuff on the radio in the past, and was surprised that my mom hated the book that much. So I opened it, wondering where to begin. Scanning the table of contents, Chapter Seven, “Thinking Lost” jumped out.

It actually was not immediately apparent why she trashed it. I actually kind of agreed with him. Until he gave five sentences that “describe many of today’s lost people.” (For the non-former fundies on here, “lost” people are people who are not evangelical Christians). That’s when the book became tragically amusing. See how many describe you. I have met a few non-Christians who these things describe, but actually have met more Christians that satisfy these viewpoints (not one of them describes me, btw):

1. The Lost Person Doesn’t Know God’s Book.
2. The Lost Person Doesn’t Know God’s Rules.
3. The Lost Person Doesn’t Speak Our Language (meaning “Christianese”–we apparently don’t know what “salvation” is, or what it means to “be saved”; it’s not talking about scientific literacy.)
4. The Lost Person is a Spiritual Seeker
5. The Lost Person is Ready for Jesus

Riiiight. I told my mother that it’s easier and less threatening to have someone tell you what “lost” people are really like (here’s a clue: I don’t appreciate being told I’m lost!) rather than talk to them in person. It seems to me Hutchcraft has been so busy with his ministry about teaching people how to evangelize that it’s been awhile since he’s talked to a non-Christian himself.

Here are some real clues for Christians in communicating with us lowly lost people:

1. Don’t assume you know the person. At all. Don’t assume they are broken or sad “deep down inside”, know nothing about the Bible, have never been to church, etc.
2. Don’t be so condescending and judgmental. Don’t “love the sinner, hate the sin” and tell well adjusted people that they are “lost” and secretly confused. Stop judging the hearts of other people; look into your own and only your own. If a chick wants to marry a chick, that’s between them and God, not you and them.
3. It’s faith, people. Faith, by definition, can not be proven. Stop wasting your money on the Creation Museum and trying to denigrate science. Stop wasting your time trying to “prove” your viewpoint, and just be. The problem with trying to prove your faith is that you look like an idiot when someone who knows more about science comes along.
4. Stop with the dogmatism. It’s not attractive. Intelligent conversation where both parties can admit when the other has made a good point is much more productive to both parties than insisting that “God said it, I believe it, that settles it.”
5. Christian subculture is lame. Who wants to be part of that?

I can think of a few other things, but nothing I haven’t said on here before. What would you add to the list?

As Christians, God has called [us] to a higher way of living because we now are representing Him until He returns for us. Jesus commanded us to love God and love others not to love their sin. Being tolerant means loving people in spite of their sinful behavior not accepting it as ok or relative truth. I love Jennifer’s [style] of music but I can’t support it knowing that she is living in sin, has no intention of repenting of it, and is singing about a relationship with the Mighty God who she is mocking with her behavior.

But okay, how do you love someone despite their sinful behavior while you’re up there on your pedestal looking down at the world as you live your “higher way of” life? How staunchly arrogant. Love is, at its core, humble. That’s where so many Christians come across as judgmental, arrogant, hypocritical, and condescending. Not on purpose, of course. But it’s hard to tell everyone else how to live their life and come across as anything but the former negatives. How do you reconcile it? Speaking for a moment as if there is a God, then perhaps by allowing people’s behaviors to be between themselves and God, and keeping your mouth shut about what you think their relationship with God is or about how you think they are mocking God with their behavior. I rather think it is more directly  mocking of God to think you have all the answers about how he is as opposed to disagreeing with some interpretations of Scripture. And not just to pick on this one friend–it was something quotable that describes very neatly the attitude I have encountered in Baptist-world. It’s very pervasive. Truthfully, I think Baptists often forget about the concept of grace and forgiveness.  And yes, I have two other horrifying examples of this.

Our first youth ministry job led us to a church where good help was hard to find. We had a few people, but most of them were scattered and disorganized, and therefore were not particularly reliable. About a year-ish into it, a family with two youth-aged kids started coming to our church. They became very active and involved; quite the lifesavers! The mother was mature and responsible, and I really liked her. We wanted to use her, but there was a problem. She was on her second marriage after a divorce. Having God’s forgiveness for daring to divorce her first husband (and I don’t know the details; if it was abuse or irreconcilable differences or what have you!) wasn’t good enough for First Baptist Church of Harrisburg! I’m not entirely sure how far back this rule goes in the denomination (is it the convention or the individual associations? Not exactly sure), but the rule is that if you are divorced, you are not allowed to serve in a leadership position. That’s it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Now, not every Southern Baptist church is as strict about the rule, but that’s how it goes. So even though we desperately needed the help, this woman was excluded. It made me quite angry at the time, but it’s not like a female wife of a minister has much power over the Southern Baptist Convention/the association. Where is the forgiveness in this situation? Is this the kind of mercy Jesus would show?

Second example came when a young couple became saved at our church. They were not married, but were (gasp!) living together and had children. After they became saved, they decided to do the “right thing” and get married. Except our pastor wouldn’t marry them because they were living together! He said he wouldn’t marry them until the man moved completely out of the house. Just so he could move back in a week later. Where is the grace?

Speaking of grace, sometimes even the gracious sound condescending. When I recently told someone about why I divorced, she told me she extended “grace” to me. She meant it in the best possible way, so I did not take offense. Still. How kind of you to be merciful to poor, pitiful me, is how it sounded. If I did not have roots in the church and understood what she meant, I probably would have been offended.

When you “hate the sin, love the sinner”, the “sinner” will go elsewhere. Not because s/he is being rebellious, but why would you want to align yourself with a group of people who thinks they know better than you what God’s will is for your life? Why would you want to “fellowship” with people who think they are better than you? Not to be offensive to Christians, but here is a massive place where you’re getting it wrong and you’re losing people. Remove the beam in your own eye before you worry about the speck in someone else’s. When you are without sin, you can throw that first stone. Until then, treat others the way you want to be treated and stop judging them to death. Speaking for myself, I will probably never be a Christian again, but almost every time a Christian opens their mouth, I remember precisely why I left and it pushes me that much farther away. For now, anyways, I will love the Christian, hate the Christianity.

*Disclaimer: As always, these are not meant to be blanket statements describing every Christian or every Baptist. I am sure the problem is not unique to the Southern Baptist Convention; it is, however, the one with which I have the most experience. ETA: I did some research, and the view on divorce is apparently a church/association thing. And come to think, I do know of a (very) few pastors who are divorced and stayed in the ministry. For more info on the SBC view of divorce, click here, though, according to Steve, this is pretty sanitized; a theory of autonomy more than practice. The convention itself (a state/national organization) may not have much of a hold on individual churches, but the associations (the regional organization) do have more authority. I did not get this involved in Southern Baptist government though, so this part is just what I’ve heard and I could very well be wrong.

The truth is that we may completely disagree on anything theological anymore, but I do still care about you and I’m actually worried about you. Just so you know my lack of religious beliefs now don’t mean that I don’t care. If you ever need anything: to talk, or help, please let me know. I’ve been where you are, and I see more than what I say because it doesn’t seem like you’re ready yet. But I see you, and I see what you go through even though it’s just bits and pieces, it’s enough to put at least a chunk of the picture together. Just wanted you to know I care and I”m ALWAYS here for you. . .

Look, I really don’t want to fight with you. I feel like most of our correspondence has been you trying to “shepherd” me back into the fold and put me in my place, but you don’t really seem to care why I left. You don’t ever ask me how I am . . . So do you even care about ME as a person at all, apart from me being “lost” and now “doomed to hell”? Because it doesn’t feel like it at all. It’s okay if you don’t, but if you do, you should know in all honesty that the message isn’t being received.

I know you’ve been through your own rough situations, and stayed with your. . . church despite them, but you come across like you’re pretty unhappy. And I AM happy now, so I am sorry if it offends people that I don’t choose to be miserable. I apologize if that comes across as condescending or presumptuous, but if you don’t want to be my friend, just delete me. I don’t care. I care about you, but I don’t like having to defend who I am as a person every time we write. That’s not friendship. And if you read every bit of what you’ve written to me since last March, you HAVE been pretty superior. . .

I will ALWAYS be here for you, and if you ever want out or need to talk, I’m here. But I can’t be friends with someone who only wants to preach at me and threaten my husband with ridiculous threats of prosecution when he says something you don’t like. . . I can’t pit myself in between the two of you, and I won’t. So this is goodbye. I can’t be your friend right now. Maybe someday later down the road. I will always enjoy the memories I have of the two of us. But you’ve turned into some sort of bitter, angry fundamentalist Christian who has no trace of love in you. I don’t see it. And I don’t want to be like you, and I didn’t, and that’s why I left Christianity. And you know what? The sky didn’t fall. I didn’t become miserable and hopeless. I got the courage to get out of a very sexually abusive marriage, get some new friends who like me whether I’m a democrat or Republican, atheist or Christian, and actually start LIVING my life. I was actually a lot more miserable and hopeless as a Christian. And looking at you reminds me of every reason why I don’t want to be like that. . .[Y]ou are cold and preachy and judgmental, and it has officially caused the, at least temporary, end of our friendship.

Again, I still care. I always do, and always will. But I can’t be friends with someone who obviously doesn’t accept me and doesn’t even seem to like me. So until then, I hope you have a nice life. I hope you have kids and live happily ever after with [husband]. I hope you get help for your depression. I hope you get courage to get out of your situation. I hope you find love and peace and warmth again.

Yes, it’s sad. I’d love to see her get out of her situation, but she probably won’t for a very long time, if ever. And I’ve dealt enough with judgmental Christians, and I simply refuse to put myself in that situation again for a “just in case she needs me” somewhere down the road. Lesson learned: no more Facebook drama. I don’t need those relationships, and I won’t deal with them anymore. Cut them loose. Don’t burn bridges, but know when a relationship is doing more harm than good, and break it off. Sometimes, it just needs to be done. It’s hard, but it’s better than getting frustrated and spending 20 blog posts dragging everyone into silliness.

And I’ve noticed something: for every family member or friend I’ve lost, I’ve gained at least one new one.  A better one. One where I can be myself and not worry about offending someone with everything that comes out of my mouth. My mom and I are no longer as close as we once were (though that is getting a little better every year), but I am getting there with an aunt I used to never talk to. I have friends in my area that I genuinely enjoy talking to and hanging out with, at least occasionally (I am still kind of a recluse, and they are WONDERFUL in that they are also very independent people and understand!). It’s funny how religion can blind us to relationships that we never knew were there. I have more friends now than ever, and I like that. It really helps to ease the pain of losing the relationships we thought were so strong. Even you all, my readers, whom I don’t know in real life, but can obviously trust more than many of the people I do: I don’t give my blog address to the vast majority of people from my old church or school. So in that way, I trust you all more than I do the people I’ve known most of my life. It’s bittersweet.

So now as I sit in my comfy clothes, I am at peace. And for once, Sunday truly is a day of rest.

Instead of a weird status war, I’m the object of a Facebook note. I didn’t have to seek it out or defend any poor, helpless teen. A few days/a week/a couple weeks ago, I posted an old blog post to Facebook because I wanted to hear people’s thoughts. Mostly, it was my atheist friends who responded. So I thought that was the end of it. Apparently not! The blog post was called, “The Worst Parent” (click to see it), so she titled her Facebook note “The Best Parent” and tagged me (and only me). Then she wrote on my wall, “Hey, Laura. I just jotted down a few things. I’m not trying to be hateful. I love you and I think about you a lot and am praying for you.”

I read the note. I told her I didn’t know how she wanted me to respond. I am full of thoughts. I could tell her exactly what I think of her note. I could leave the response at that. I could use sarcasm. I could completely disregard any past friendship we had and let her have it. Or, maybe people who have lots more life experience can help me out. How would you respond to the following (again, have no problems posting that which was in a public place. If she didn’t want others to see it, she should have messaged me privately):

The Best Parent

This note is a loving reminder, not a hateful retort. God is the best parent one could ever hope to have in their life. We are born with a sin nature because of Adam and Eve’s sin of disobedience in the Garden of Eden. Because of that sin, as humans, we were given the knowledge of good and evil and it became our responsibility to recognize right from wrong. God created the world with the intention that no one would need to be saved, because we were made perfect. Hell was not created for us, it was created for Satan and his demons. The reason that people are now condemned to hell if they do not choose to give their life to Christ is not God’s choosing, it is ours. God wants us to be with him in heaven. We just have a choice to make about wether or not we want to be there with him.
He lovingly guides us in our lives, IF WE ALLOW HIM TO. God is not going to visibly show himself to us or call us on the phone to give advice. He is a still small voice that we must be willing to listen for. He speaks to us through His Word, other loving Christians, songs and hymns, and when we are willing to shut up during prayer long enough to allow him time to answer back. The key is faithfulness. We have to be faithful and trust God to handle our needs, just like our children are trusting us each day to take care of their needs. God will hold and comfort us when we need him to, we have to ALLOW HIM that joy. A child cannot be comforted who does not want the love and affection the parent is trying to give. This works the same way with God. He does not dole out harsh punishment and leave us on our own. He lovingly corrects his people, whether by using that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach or a life lesson or the wise wisdom from someone in your life who knows where you are coming from.
Just like parents our there who want the best for their children, God wants the best for us. Parents want to teach, guide, love, and care for their children. They want to see that their children grow up and choose to be good citizens and responsible adults. In the same manner, Christ wants that for His children. He teaches us, guides us, loves us, and cares for us as BORN AGAIN BELIEVERS. He wants us to be molded into good citizens for His kingdom and responsible adults who are going to raise our children to love Him. God has a love for all of mankind because he created us, but His children are those who have asked Him to come into their hearts and lives. We all make choices in our lives, the most important choice we make is whether to ask Jesus into our lives and guide and direct us or control our own destiny and, unfortunately, spend an eternity separted from God. It is our choice to make!
Please don’t allow satan to take control of your views. Satan does not make a good parent. He is, in fact, THE WORST PARENT. He will only guide you into destruction. Their is no middle ground. We either choose Christ or we choose satan. God says in Revelation 3:15-16, ” I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish that you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and niether cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of my mouth.” Make the choice, hot or cold, but don’t ride the proverbial fence of life. Jesus loves us, satan hates us. For me, personally, the choice is very clear.

Me? There is so much wrong with that, I don’t even know where to begin. Like I said, I left a comment that said I didn’t know how she wanted me to respond. But there is SOOOO much I’d looove to say. And I am sure you guys can think of some other things, too! What do you think?

My policy on emails: I do not publish emails people send to me. I consider those private and personal. I will give summaries at times if it is relevant, but I do not publish and mock messages I receive. If I get an annoying one, I ignore it. I would only post something private like that in extreme circumstances. So the email exchanges will not be published. However, the wall exchange was on a pretty public spot, so I have no qualms about posting it here.

But for the curious, here it is.  CAMA stands for Christian and Missionary Alliance, and it is the church I grew up in. All names have been changed except for mine.All dialogue has been copied and pasted with grammar/spelling left intact.

Daniel (my brother) original status update: i am not having a good day

Donna (a lady who has been going to that church since I was a kid): how cum? (yes, I know. I laughed, too.)

Bekah (a teenager? I have no idea who she is. Take note of this: it’s important later.):

Amy (I used to work with her. She’s about 8 years older than I am, and though I haven’t talked to her in years, I have very fond memories! She is very nonjudgmental, very awesome.): tomorrow’s friday!!!

Me: I’m sorry!

Terri (apparently this lady goes to my old church now, but I have NO idea who she is. I’ve never met her, either.) you choose the kind of day you have.your attitude determines how you will meet the victories and the challenges of the day. You actively choose how you react to what happens. Remember Paul and Silas singing in prison stocks! When you choose to rejoice in adversity you impact eternity for good! You release miracle power called JOY! A poor jailor and his whole household are rejoicing in heaven today while we chat on FB because all those years ago Paul and Silas CHOSE to sing and rejoice instead of posting: I’m having a bad day. My stocks are too tight and my wrists are bleeding, my back is raw and bloody and there are cockroaches and flies everywhere. Poor me I’m having a bad day!!!

Rejoice you have power to choose what kind of day you have, and as a Christian you have a responsability to ChooseJoy!!!—someones watching to see if you’ll crash and burn or if you’ll rise and rejoice and shine!!! REJOICE!!!!!!!

Me: wow . . . yeah, Daniel, just pretend like you’re having a good day, because if you’re having a bad day, then you’re not a good Christian!

Terri: not what I said laura

Terri: not at all what I said

Me: yeah, it actually kinda is. I just rephrased it so it revealed the flaws in your thinking. When someone states they are having a bad day, it’s not very supportive to tell them to ChooseJoy and REJOICE! Sometimes people have bad days and it’s okay to be sad or feel bad. Saying “Paul sang songs even when he was in PRISON!!!” makes people feel guilty for not feeling like singing sometimes. Not very helpful in alleviating a bad day!

Terri: no, actually it’s nothing like it at all.I am mearely suggesting that we all consider the real Power that we have at our disposal that goes untapped because we choose to accept defeat and have a bad day when we could be relying on the mighty JOY of the Lord to be our strength even in darkest adversity! That joy supported me when my daughter went to heaven at 3 years old. That joy bolstered me as I watched my dad pass into eternity on an operating table,that joy is my foundation as I live each day- I still have bad days- but I am wise enough now to know that it happens because I choose a bad day when I might have chosen joy instead.

Amy: Hey guys, not to interrupt, but I believe it was Daniel having the bad day…maybe you could continue your discussion in personal messages instead of on his wall? Just a suggestion…don’t shoot the messenger. (That comment rubbed me the wrong way, because I was used to the “sweep unpleasant things under the rug” type thing from my parents and churches past, but I wound up realizing that’s not what she meant later through some private emails.)

Terri:

Terri: Daniel, I thin you already know, but I care. If it felt like I was “jumping down your throat”-perhaps it seemed that way to you- I hope it did not. It was meant as encouragement to a brother that I care about. If you took it any other way, you mistook me,

Have a better day today.

Daniel: o its already been an interesting day reading you guys argue (Sigh. That’s the last time I stick up for him! Lol!)

Me: Arguing is way fun when you’re smarter than everyone. (joking!)

Daniel: your right im sure terri enjoyed it

Me: I am sure everyone who communicates with me enjoys it because I am such a lovely person. Aren’t you having a better day because I spoke with you? (That was a rhetorical question . . .)

Donna’s teenage son: wow, this was kind of interesting. way to make daniel feel better. anyway, did you(daniel) have a good day today?

A homeschooled teenager who wound up messaging me, spelling “atheism” as “aethiesm” several times, and telling me my logic was flawed: WOW this is intense! I love a good debate. Anyways, Daniel, what is up? How come your in the dumps? Sometimes its those stupid teenage hormones and such. Hope u feel better about today! Laura you have made some great arguments. Congrats! Terri you too are very persuasive. (hope I spelled that right). Crazy thing is I agree with both of you! YES IM HOMESCHOOLED. While Terril probably should not give advice so soon and should more readily sympathize, I think that life is full of joy and when one thing gets you down find joy in another area.
Laura I am sorry u got burned in the church. Please do not leave fellowship with God merely because a flawed human wronged you. I would like to prat for you if that is OK with you. If not, too bad I already did! JK I would really appreciate it if you took the time to tell me about what you believe in. What religion, or lack there of, do you believe in? Are you against the Church, God, or both? Please if you do not wish to write out your opinions in public I’ll send a friend request and you can tell about your beliefs oin a message.

Me: yes, that is a bit off topic. I’ll email you. I like a good debate, too. In case you couldn’t tell.

Becky: well if i may haha. i think that this was very interesting, and that we should just all be there for eachother, and not try to always turn everthing into a sermon. but i also am VERY thankful for my amazing church family, and i love them, and i could tell them anything and know that they would care and help me with Jesus’ Love. I’m sorry miss laura, if you ever didnt feel that our church family gave you that kind of support. p.s. ur daughter is beautiful haha and such a sweetie!

Me: I meant church, not CAMA church specifically. *Most* people at cama didn’t have a clue what was going on

Me: Though I will say, Miss Beky, that’s what I thought, too. And it’s not what happened. And I am not the only one. Ask any person my age who no longer goes to church at cma why they don’t go to church at cama anymore or who even dropped out for awhile and they will all tell you basically the same thing. But now we are WAY off topic, and I REALLY didn’t mean to make this about me in any way. I’m sorry, Daniel! If anyone has questions about me or wants to tell me anything about me, message me! I won’t bite!

Becky: sorry daniel ill stop after this. i must tell you really quick miss Laura, that i have been in many many many churches, and been hurt at all of them severly, (which made me extremely bitter-not saying that’s u, just how i reacted )but here i know people love me, and i wouldnt trust them if they hadnt proven themselves to me. i know they love you too.

Me: [Give up!]

So like I said, way more interesting on Twitter, private messages, and in some other contexts, but there you go! There’s my old church: they judge me and desert me, but they LOVE me!

you choose the kind of day you have.your attitude determines how you will meet the victories and the challenges of the day. You actively choose how you react to what happens. Remember Paul and Silas singing in prison stocks! When you choose to rejoice in adversity you impact eternity for good! You release miracle power called JOY! A poor jailor and his whole household are rejoicing in heaven today while we chat on FB because all those years ago Paul and Silas CHOSE to sing and rejoice instead of posting: I’m having a bad day. My stocks are too tight and my wrists are bleeding, my back is raw and bloody and there are cockroaches and flies everywhere. Poor me I’m having a bad day!!!

Rejoice you have power to choose what kind of day you have, and as a Christian you have a responsability to ChooseJoy!!!—someones watching to see if you’ll crash and burn or if you’ll rise and rejoice and shine!!!
REJOICE!!!!!!!

And people wonder why others leave the church or call other church members “fake”… Quote is from a member of my home church, folks! Also was copied and pasted directly–I didn’t mess with the grammar or spelling at all. But I guess you don’t need good grammar or spelling to get into HEAVEN, no?

To the latter, I want to say, there are worse things.

There are worse things than failure. I don’t think you fail if you decide ministry is not for you. Jesus himself only managed three years of ministry. It’s okay to walk away. It’s hard, yes. But it’s only hard because it feels like failure. When you do it; when you make the decision to finally break free, you feel relief. And that relief helps you smile and shake your head when someone tries to make you feel like you failed. I’ve noticed that the only ones who try to tell me I have somehow failed are the ones who desperately want out but are afraid of failing themselves. So they try to make it seem like they are better somehow, for sticking it through. To them, I have nothing but compassion. I’ve been there.

There are worse things than divorce. Some ministers are truly dicks. There just isn’t a better word. For those of us who grew up in the conservative church, we were taught from an early age that divorce is just the worst thing. But guess what? There are other ways to rip families apart just as hard, if not harder than divorce. Sometimes, staying together is the worst thing. Sometimes, allowing yourself to be abused or simply unseen at all is worse than divorce. Divorce is hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I don’t recommend it. But I also don’t recommend allowing yourself to feel like you have to stay or you’ve failed, or displeased God, or whatever. Honestly, the worst thing about separation was telling my parents it was happening. Once I did that, there was no going back. And there have been extremely hard moments since then, but I know, I know it was the best thing for me. It was the best decision I could have made in a very horrible situation. Divorce is hard. But it’s not the end of the world. It’s the start of a new one.

There are worse things than losing your religion. Some of you doubt. Some of you are afraid where those doubts will lead if you don’t shut them up right now. But you know what? I walked away from the ministry, my husband, and my religion all at once and I’m still alive. Yeah, you see on my blog how hard it was. That’s nothing. You should have seen me before I did all of those things. I was so depressed, I couldn’t write to release it. All I wanted was to stay curled in a little ball and forget the world existed. I cut myself once. Once, I took sleeping pills when I woke up in the morning because I couldn’t stomach the thought of getting through one more day.

You know what’s worse than leaving the ministry? Staying in it and dying because of it. You know what’s worse than divorce? Staying in an abusive marriage and feeling like less of a person, an invisible person, because you don’t know how to get out or are afraid of displeasing God and/or going to hell. You know what’s worse than losing your religion? Trying to keep it when it’s already gone. Not to mention a long, long list of other things that are worse: misery, depression, suicide, spending your one life completely miserable, starving children in Africa, etc.

There are worse things than admitting that you’re struggling. And that is struggling alone. Speak up. Speak out. Let others know they are not alone and find some comfort yourself. And never be afraid to admit you need a break or something else. It’s okay. The world won’t end. Your life won’t end. Instead, you may find that it begins anew.