My internet connection here is very spotty, which is why I will have a burst of posts, then nothing. Sorry about the randomness. Since it’s pretty good right now, I am hoping to write a few and schedule them so I won’t have to worry about the connection. We’ll see if it lasts long enough for me to do that!

Life in general is, well, kind of tense. It feels good standing up for myself and my family, but it doesn’t really help the environment. It’s not any worse, it’s just not really any better either. But the important thing is that I am learning. I am learning that some relationships that seem super important are simply not worthy of our time and emotional energy, though it certainly seems to take a ton of both to actually be able to put those conclusions into practice in everyday life. Moving here was kind of a slap to the face as the realizations I posted last week dawned on me, and I’ve really gotten a new perspective I wouldn’t have gotten from a distance. From a distance, it seemed like everything was my fault and up to me to fix. From a distance, I thought I had a pretty nice, if a bit misguided family. From a distance, the world looks blue and green . .. sorry, couldn’t resist.

I don’t have any advice for others on how to handle their families since others are different. Just know if you are having family problems, you aren’t alone. Sometimes it sucks and that is that. Things don’t always work out the way we like. Of course, there could be some surprises, but gauging by the way things have gone and things I have witnessed, I don’t think it’s very likely. And really, this doesn’t have anything to do with religion except that religion is sometimes used by jerks as an excuse to act like jerks.

However, I’ve been through worse, and it’s been good for me to learn how to stand up for myself and my family (Steve, Julieanne, and me “family”) and become more autonomous. I came to the conclusion that maybe one of the reasons I have such a hard time with assertiveness is that I couldn’t even be assertive to my family. Oh, sure, if I got into an argument with my parents in high school, I would have yelled back, but over time, I gave up. And once I got into college, I forgot. I forgot all the times I was right and they were wrong. I forgot all the reasons why I wanted out of the house at 18 in the first place. And most importantly, I forgot that my ideas, insights, and personality were valuable. Maybe fixing that begins here.

Sorry if it overall sounds like I’m complaining. I’m trying to not let these be huge gripe sessions, but I don’t think I am really succeeding. Oh, well. It’s what’s on my mind, and I guess in my favor is that I haven’t given the details on who said what or whined about exactly how the family dynamics work.  Hopefully, some of my readers can connect, either with the conflict or maybe gain some insight. Either that, or by this point, I’ve lost half my readers. Oh, well. As I am learning: This is me, like it or not.

So in case you couldn’t tell, trying to get a handle on this has taken up the vast majority of my mental energy. In other news, Steve takes the bar in less than two weeks. Yay! I got bored with red hair and put in some temporary brown, but it didn’t do anything except darken it a smidgen, so I am still the Redheaded Skeptic. I had to take Julieanne back to Fayetteville due to a calendar error I made. I love the drive up 540. So. gorgeous. Pair it with some happy music, and it always makes me feel so hopeful and excited about life. I am excited about a book commenter Charon recommended to me, From Eternity to Here. It finally came in yesterday, and so far, seems to be pretty good (of course, I’ve only read the prologue).  And life has just been life. Cleaning, cooking, studying for future classes, doctor’s appointments, childcare, and dreaming of what life will be like when we’re filthy rich.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 15th, 2010 at 7:08 am and is filed under Life Today. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.