Dear Pastor’s Wives:
Thursday, March 4th, 2010
It’s strange to watch you now, now that I am no longer one of you. I see things more clearly than I did before. It seems there are two camps: those whose lives appear to be perfect, never letting frustration dealing with the ministry seep through your Facebook posts, blogs, or emails; and those who are nearly to the end of your ropes to the point where you don’t care who sees the pain anymore as long as they see you so you no longer feel invisible. For the former, are things really so perfect? If they are, I am glad you are happy. If not, do you realize how much you make the rest feel like such failures? Those happy smiles–that’s what we all wanted when we started the ministry. Can it really be like that for anyone? Before we were in the ministry, we looked up to you and those like you. We saw what it could be, and were then in no way prepared for a life that was nothing like what you portrayed. To you, I say, it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to admit that things aren’t perfect. In fact, it’s helpful both to you, to those who may come after you, and your peers who feel like their world is on the brink of destruction and have nowhere else to turn.
To the latter, I want to say, there are worse things.
There are worse things than failure. I don’t think you fail if you decide ministry is not for you. Jesus himself only managed three years of ministry. It’s okay to walk away. It’s hard, yes. But it’s only hard because it feels like failure. When you do it; when you make the decision to finally break free, you feel relief. And that relief helps you smile and shake your head when someone tries to make you feel like you failed. I’ve noticed that the only ones who try to tell me I have somehow failed are the ones who desperately want out but are afraid of failing themselves. So they try to make it seem like they are better somehow, for sticking it through. To them, I have nothing but compassion. I’ve been there.
There are worse things than divorce. Some ministers are truly dicks. There just isn’t a better word. For those of us who grew up in the conservative church, we were taught from an early age that divorce is just the worst thing. But guess what? There are other ways to rip families apart just as hard, if not harder than divorce. Sometimes, staying together is the worst thing. Sometimes, allowing yourself to be abused or simply unseen at all is worse than divorce. Divorce is hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I don’t recommend it. But I also don’t recommend allowing yourself to feel like you have to stay or you’ve failed, or displeased God, or whatever. Honestly, the worst thing about separation was telling my parents it was happening. Once I did that, there was no going back. And there have been extremely hard moments since then, but I know, I know it was the best thing for me. It was the best decision I could have made in a very horrible situation. Divorce is hard. But it’s not the end of the world. It’s the start of a new one.
There are worse things than losing your religion. Some of you doubt. Some of you are afraid where those doubts will lead if you don’t shut them up right now. But you know what? I walked away from the ministry, my husband, and my religion all at once and I’m still alive. Yeah, you see on my blog how hard it was. That’s nothing. You should have seen me before I did all of those things. I was so depressed, I couldn’t write to release it. All I wanted was to stay curled in a little ball and forget the world existed. I cut myself once. Once, I took sleeping pills when I woke up in the morning because I couldn’t stomach the thought of getting through one more day.
You know what’s worse than leaving the ministry? Staying in it and dying because of it. You know what’s worse than divorce? Staying in an abusive marriage and feeling like less of a person, an invisible person, because you don’t know how to get out or are afraid of displeasing God and/or going to hell. You know what’s worse than losing your religion? Trying to keep it when it’s already gone. Not to mention a long, long list of other things that are worse: misery, depression, suicide, spending your one life completely miserable, starving children in Africa, etc.
There are worse things than admitting that you’re struggling. And that is struggling alone. Speak up. Speak out. Let others know they are not alone and find some comfort yourself. And never be afraid to admit you need a break or something else. It’s okay. The world won’t end. Your life won’t end. Instead, you may find that it begins anew.
Tags: Christianity, minister's wives, ministry, pastors' wives, religion
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March 4th, 2010 at 12:53 am
This post speaks to me, not because I am a pastor’s wife but because I am moving away from Christianity. It is a difficult move. In fact, it is so hard that, although I have probably given up most of my former belief, I find it emotionally difficult to say that I am not a Christian. Don’t know why that is so hard for me.
I don’t even know where my doubts started. For so long, I was certain that I had the answers and then they slowly slipped away from me. Now I find myself wondering why certain things didn’t bother me before. Like why would a loving God even invent Satan? That seems illogical. And why would a God care more about who a person is having sex with then starving children? It might seem silly but these things have really started to bother me.
There is more, of course. I am just trying to sort everything out.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:01 am
To be fair: you have to admit that there must be 3 camps. There must be a group (possibly the majority – maybe not) that are happily married and happy to be in the role they are in. I know of at least one.
It’s important to remember that people are people – and some marriages just don’t work out. But just like the pedophile priest scandals, the basic beliefs and interference by the governing churches only makes it more difficult to face the truth and deal with it.
The reality that with or without Jesus life is the same for everyone suggests that those with Jesus are really without.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:57 am
Besides the pastors’ wives, a few pastors could probably benefit from seeing this. Have you read Frank Schaeffer’s Crazy for God? Some males in the field are also leading false lives, keeping up a façade more to fool themselves than to fool anyone else.
Debrand: That difficulty in letting go seems to be a common part of the experience of both Christians and Muslims in breaking away from religion. Something you believe so profoundly becomes wired into your brain and part of your identity — it’s not just a matter of realizing it’s untrue and not worrying about it any more. Like the pastors’ wives (or the pastors), it’s not just what they believe, it’s part of who they are. When religion is that strong, leaving it must be rather like, say, recognizing that one is gay — almost a re-definition of self.
March 4th, 2010 at 6:10 am
The heart of the Christian faith is love. If you knew the God that I know, you would know this. The difference between pastor’s wives is that some live a life of love (which involves dying to ones own desires) and others who live a life of looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence.
Your arguments always remind me of a person who was doing something that they just never got. I think it is your ADHD which frustrates you. I have found people with ADHD have a much larger struggle overcoming selfishness (which is grounded in unfullfilled selfish desire).
Your current path is a dead end though. I found it interesting that you fault your parents for finding peace in Christianity. You then offer them atheism which is basically a form of godliness which is the cause of unhappiness and the probable cause of their abusive situation as kids.
God Bless..
March 4th, 2010 at 8:40 am
Laura,
Is your ex still an active pastor? Has your divorce affected him professionally?
Considering that a tree is known by it’s fruits, how does he rationalize his failure to both keep you as a wife and become irrefutable proof of god living inside him.
I wonder what his answers are..
March 4th, 2010 at 11:51 am
In fact, it is so hard that, although I have probably given up most of my former belief, I find it emotionally difficult to say that I am not a Christian. Don’t know why that is so hard for me.
I know what you mean, debrand. About a year and a half ago I was in a similar place, where I felt that although I wasn’t anything recognizably Christian anymore, I had to keep a death grip on that label, because I was afraid of what it would mean for me if I dropped it.
The doubts start slow, but they build. They don’t seem silly at all. Best of luck to you in sorting things out. It’s a hard road, but it gets easier.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Debrand, it was REALLY hard for me, too. Have you seen Letting Go of God, by Julia Sweeney? She talks about that. I know most people had a hard time calling themselves atheist or even agnostic, but it seems that the majority who talk about it say they feel like a weight has been lifted when they finally do. I definitely recommend the Sweeney movie.
David, I squashed that third camp in with the first: those who pretend that everything is great all the time. There is not a single active pastor’s wife on the face of this earth that hasn’t faced at least some sort of difficulty adjusting or dealing with church members. If there is, I would like to go to their church! I didn’t mean that if they are smiling all the time then they are definitely secretly miserable. Just that if they are miserable, it’s okay to show it, and if they are having trouble in one area, it’s okay to show that, too. Didn’t mean to be unclear!
Infidel, I have not yet read Crazy for God. I have had it recommended to me a bunch of times, though, so I definitely need to!
Mlee, he is not an active pastor, but he is an active Christian. He rationalizes it by saying I cheated on him, therefore, it’s all my fault. That he tried to work it out, but I didn’t want to.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
ZDenny was doing so well with avoiding broad accusations of Atheists as the most evil, hopeless people.
Too bad his need to show everyone how perfect and right he is always prevails.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
People like ZDENNY remind me of the self-righteous, condescending jerks that populate the christianity that I left behind. I guess he lurks in the shadows like a demon, waiting to pour guilt and judgment on everyone who doesn’t believe the way he does. He is also too stupid to realize he is never going to get any of us to re-convert.
Debrand, I agree with the others, it’s the hardest thing to give up using the term christian (in my case, after 46 years). The turning point for me was realizing that I no could no longer believe in the main tenants of the christian faith/doctrine/theology/scripture, so I could no longer honestly be a christian in the conventional sense.
And Laura is right, Julia Sweeney’s monologue is very moving and helpful. Rent or buy the DVD. Depending on where you live (especially near medium-to-large cities) you should be able to find others who are also moving away from christian faith & culture. Meetup.com is good for this, just type in your city, and the terms “humanist”, “secular”, or “agnostic”. In the beginning it felt to me that I was the only one in a city of 1 million making this journey, but through meetup.com I found several others going through exactly the same thing.
Best wishes
March 4th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
ZDenny, I just want to know that even though you have continually accused us of every negative thing on this earth, I forgive you. I remember what its like to feel the need to share your faith in whatever way you can, its okay.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Laura,
Thank you for posting this. It’s a valued insight into a sometimes hidden troubled life, and you’re there to say it’s okay.
Well done.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Thank you all! I will have to check out Julia Sweeny. Until recently, I would not look into anything written by an atheist. That sounds narrow minded but I didn’t mean it to be. Now it seems strange that as Christian I would have had so little confident in my faith or God.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
Zdenny, I wondered where you’d gone since your blog is offline.
> The heart of the Christian faith is love.
Allegedly.
> If you knew the God that I know, you would know this.
Interesting that you say this. Your posts come across as judgmental and snide. They do not seem loving or supportive. Quite at odds with this claim.
> Your arguments always remind me of a person who was doing something that they
> just never got.
They come across to me as someone who tried and tried but eventually realized that the emperor has no clothes (or in this case doesn’t even exist) and who then had the guts to come out and say so.
> I think it is your ADHD which frustrates you.
That sounds really judgmental. You really don’t know her but you’re prepared to make such statements.
> I have found people with ADHD have a much larger struggle overcoming
> selfishness (which is grounded in unfullfilled selfish desire).
Accusing someone you don’t really know based on some blog posts of selfishness due to ADHD, that come across as judgmental, snide and mean-spirited.
> Your current path is a dead end though.
Yes Laura, you need to really know this loving god so you can get to be really judgmental and nasty to people who don’t agree with you.
I found it interesting that you fault your parents for finding peace in Christianity.
> You then offer them atheism which is basically a form of godliness which is the cause of unhappiness and the probable cause of their abusive situation as kids.
You what? Good grief.
> God Bless..
How you can type that with a straight face after the previous sentence is beyond me.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
zdenny Says: “The heart of the Christian faith is love.”
No, The heart of the Christian faith, the heart of every faith, is the desire to feel superior to other people. There are other reasons (few good) but that is the heart of theism.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Laura, I wouldn’t want my child to be called to the ministry — it’s a hard, hard life for someone who believes fully, and must be close to unbearable for anyone that doubts (i.e., anyone with a functioning brain). But harder than that would be Wife of Minister. I’ve known a great many pastors in my life and a great many pastors’ wives. The ones that can handle it seem to be superhuman, and unfortunately get treated that way — not human, not frail, not with faults.
The ones that can’t handle it either act out by being overbearing empire builders or act in by “enjoying ill health”. I’m sorry you got body-slammed by that jerkwad, and also sorry that you were ostracized by the folks you had sworn to serve. But then again, it put you on your new path.
You have to admit, stretching your boundaries, moving your fences, learning new things is kinda fun. Best!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:38 pm
Debrand, I know what you feel like about atheist authors. It wasn’t until I left the faith that I discovered that many many (perhaps the majority of) atheists who have written books were actually at one time evangelical christians. I never read a book by an atheist till recently, and found out that many of them know the Bible inside and out, much more thoroughly than I did! (Examples: John Loftus, Michael Shermer, Bart Ehrman, William Lobdel, to name a few.)
March 4th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
debrand, I used to shy away from atheist/agnostic books too. We were taught that we shouldn’t read those types of books because they might cause us to question our faith. Eventually, I realized I was questioning my faith anyways, and evangelicals certainly didn’t have the answers, so what would it hurt?
Bart Ehrman is a good place to start. Misquoting Jesus is an interesting read, and it was the first book about the Bible from a non-evangelical point of view that I braved. (I actually knew most of it because I had learned it in Baptist school. Which is strange all things considered, because it’s not like you hear sermons on that kind of stuff!) Followed by Dan Barker’s “godless” which he talks about his time in the ministry and why he became an atheist. Then when you’re really brave, Dawkins’ God Delusion kind of answered most of the questions I had left after reading Ehrman.
And Zdenny, you don’t even know me. I don’t see where I’ve displayed a problem with selfishness on here, and I am pretty honest about my flaws for the most part. And I have no idea what you think that has to do with ADHD, which I am told by other Christians that it’s a spiritual gift. (Yes. Seriously.) You can definitely see shades of my imperfections through my writing (ie, overreact much? lol!), so I am sure you could find plenty of faults to hammer on if you actually tried!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
I still know people who won’t read those books because they don’t WANT to question their faith. This always baffles me. The only reason I can see for actively avoiding something which would cause you to question your faith would be if you fear the outcome, right? Doesn’t that imply a lack of strength in their faith already?
When I was a Christian, I wouldn’t not have balked at reading a book by an atheist writer — even a book on atheism itself! I was that confident in the strength of my belief.
Noawadays, I’ll still happily attempt to read books by Christian authors. I usually don’t finish them, because I get frustrated with the weak and poorly thought out arguments they make. (If anyone’s got a good one, please let me know!)
March 4th, 2010 at 9:17 pm
Laura Says: “debrand, I used to shy away from atheist/agnostic books too. We were taught that we shouldn’t read those types of books because they might cause us to question our faith.”
A couple of good, free, websites that have interesting articles on the existence of Jesus are:
Did a historical Jesus exist?
and
Did Jesus Christ Really Live? (ca. 1922)
While these facts and these opinions can be argued they certainly put the skeptical point of view out there. They are a good starting point for further research and study.
March 4th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Chad Says: “Nowadays, I’ll still happily attempt to read books by Christian authors. I usually don’t finish them, because I get frustrated with the weak and poorly thought out arguments they make. (If anyone’s got a good one, please let me know!)”
I’ve been pointed to several of these books which, I have been assured, will certainly make me a believer. I don’t think I’ve managed more than 3 pages of any of them before the shabby arguments fall apart!
You can download a lot of these books and others of different faiths and of atheism here (LINK) and read them on your computer.
March 7th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Laura, “Zdenny, you don’t even know me. I don’t see where I’ve displayed a problem with selfishness on here”
Laura, you wanted your ex to like you at all cost even to the point of completely ignoring the Bible and giving into the lustful desires of your ex. When the situation changed and you discovered that he had objectified you, you ran off.
I don’t blame you for divorcing your husband for unfaithfulness. I believe you were completely justified; however, godliness is the cause of your divorce.
The fact that you embrassed godliness after ending your marriage demonstrates that you have never know the love of God. If you don’t know the love of God, you were then operating on a selfish basis. You even claim that you were not completely innocent in regard to everything that happened.
If you knew the love of God, your desire would have been to put your husband on the right track. Why? Because love causes us to do what is best for the other person. Selfishness stays quiet and goes along for the ride because you didn’t want to experience rejection or failure.
On top of that, you want your parents to embrace a life of godliness. They just witnessed your marriage fall apart because of selfishness and godliness. Do you think they are really dumb people? Why would they embrace the very thing that destroyed your marriage?
I hope that helps you see where I am coming from. My prayers are with you.
God Bless.
March 23rd, 2010 at 2:03 am
Never judge people for where they are, try to understand and give them love, express grace and compassion.
I used to be married to a pastor, divorce is really bad in the christian community the shame of it all is terrible. The Worst thing is to be annilated by your husband, abused, used, dishonored, openly disrespected and terrible hate because of the influence of God in your life. That is the worst.
Being Restored is the best part, experiencing God’s live is breath taking, you cannot leave Christianity without leaving God. What shall seperate me from the love of God? Nothing, not a man, a situation or a feeling. I never thought my life would change for the better, but I am on my way, the journey has been excrusiatingly hard and painful to say the least, however, His (the Lord Jesus) love I cannot live without. There is always a new day. If you have left the Lord , return. You are better with the Lord than without Him. Leave the madness of religion in the past and press on with God. You will not regret it. I used to blame God for all that has happened to me, I know realize, it was not Him, but my ex pastor husband that made all the wrong choices and we do have a choice and a will. My choice is to love God, I am living a new life, it’s a new day, I have a new look, on anew level in a new location and I am living my dream not anyones’ elses. If I can be of assistance to any pastors wife or ex pastor wife. Please allow me. In His Love