Last week, we got through chapter 12 and left me not particularly caring for Jesus’ attitude. We’ll pick up this week in chapter 13, which can be found here. (Feel free to follow along and add any comments if you think I missed anything interesting!)

Chapter 13

Jesus is apparently having a busy day. After all that he did in last week’s study, he went to sit by a lake the same day (a very important detail, you understand! After all, the Bible can hold only so many words, and it’s much more important to give a timeline than to prohibit slavery!). Apparently, so many people came to listen to him speak, that he was forced out onto the lake in a boat. Now, I don’t know what your experience with boats is, but I do know that they aren’t very stable. It’s hard to listen to someone in a boat while they are bobbing around the water. And having grown up on the banks of the Arkansas River, I can tell you that sound tends to get lost a bit in the wind that blows off the water. I don’t know how people would have heard him over the wind and creakiness of the boat and the waves splashing up against the shore, but whatever. This is Jesus, after all. He probably had a built in mic.

So he tells them all a parable about how people hear The Word. After, his disciples ask him why he talks in parables. I can see why pastors often say it’s because they’re interesting and people like to listen to stories, because you couldn’t have gotten a more rambly, incoherent answer written in there. He rambles for twelve verses about how the disciples are oh, so blessed to have wisdom other people don’t. Then he tells them, “Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.” Then he quotes a prophecy and explains what the above parable meant. Which is actually slightly different than how I’ve heard it explained and makes less sense then how I’ve heard it explained. But whatever.

Then he tells several more parables. The first is about a bunch of weeds some douchebag planted along with good seeds. The owner tells the servant to let it all grow together, and at harvest time, they will bundle it up separately and burn the weeds. Then he tells the story of a mustard seed that grows to a big tree even though it’s a small seed and how yeast gets mixed in to flour to make dough. Ummm, okay. I have no.freaking.clue how that is supposed to be like the kingdom of heaven. And yeast doesn’t make dough, it causes the dough to rise. Next, it says that Jesus didn’t talk to anyone without using a parable. Well, of course! Through parables, you can make the most trivial things sound profound. Seriously? Yeast in dough? That’s the best the God of the universe could come up with to illustrate what heaven is like?

After that, Jesus explains to his disciples the meaning of the parable of the weeds, basically saying that the weeds are bad people that will go to hell, and the good seed is good people that get to go to heaven. Profound, profound. How can anybody read the Bible and not see that Jesus is the Son of God. (Smirk.)

On to two more parables, which basically say that heaven is awesome. Of course, he can’t just say heaven rocks, he has to use pearls and treasure to illustrate it. Not just pearls or just treasure, but both.

The last parable is the parable of the net, which yet again, illustrates the kingdom of heaven (yeah, I got it back at the weeds). It’s a lovely one:

Once again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was let down into the lake and caught all kinds of fish. When it was full, the fishermen pulled it up on the shore. Then they sat down and collected the good fish in baskets, but threw the bad away. This is how it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come and separate the wicked from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Of course, since everyone is evil (see Jeremiah 17:9; I had to learn that verse in elementary school, lucky me), we’re all doomed.

So Jesus then goes into the synagogue and amazes everyone there. We learn that Jesus has at least six siblings, as four brothers are named, and they talk about multiple sisters.

The end of Chapter 13.

Chapter 14

Matthew 14 can be found here.

I confess, I am getting a bit bored of Matthew. Jesus is not particularly nice or profound, but everyone is oh, so amazed at his spiritual knowledge. You know, like making yeast bread. But Matthew 14 opens up with the beheading of Herod, so this chapter already gets off on a bit more interesting note. Herod’s daughter begged him to kill John the Baptist because her mother wanted him dead. I wonder why Herodias cared so much? She was a queen. Who cared if some crazy dude who ate locusts in the desert said her marriage to Herod was unlawful? But I guess it was a different culture! Anyways, John the Baptist is dead and Jesus is sad. He tries to grieve quietly, but people follow him. Finally, we see him have mercy and compassion again and he heals a bunch of people. After healing and preaching, people get hungry. So he takes 5 loaves and 2 fish and feeds 5000 people. Okay. Stop. 1) Did only one or two people out 5,000 seriously think to bring some lunch? How did the disciples know that there were only 5 loaves and 2 fish? Did they ask everybody there? They answered Jesus awfully fast to know that’s all the food they had. I find that suspicious. 2) Where did 5,000 people come from? Did no one have jobs? This wasn’t modern day industrialized Western world. This is back in the day where there was a 6 day work week, and the seventh day was the Sabbath. No chasing after Jesus allowed. I find it difficult to believe that so many people traveled but only one of them brought food. Heck, stupid people who didn’t think, “Hey, I’m traveling all the way over here even though I live way over here. Maybe I ought to bring a lunch!” deserve to starve. And how did they know there were 5,000? Sure, it’s Jesus, and Jesus ought to know. But Jesus would know an exact number. I find it hard to believe that there were exactly 5,000 people on the dot. And when you’re outdoors, how does 5,000 people look compared to 3,500? Or heck, even 5,500? I find this 5,000 people claim dubious.

Okay, I’m over the ridiculous 5,000 people story. Because if you think that was awesome, just wait until you hear how Jesus walked on water. Because he so did. He was probably exhausted and sick of all the whiny people who wanted to be healed and eat food, so he prays for awhile, sending his disciples ahead of him. Several hours later, he decides he’s ready to join them again and walks to them on the water. Um, they were several hours ahead of him. In a boat that the Bible clearly states is going at a good pace. Jesus would have had to be running on the water, not just walking. So Peter thinks this is awesome and tries to do it, too. It works until he doubts and he starts to sink. Instead of positive reinforcement–after all, Peter was the only disciples with the balls to get out of the boat at all, Jesus kind of mocks him a little bit for doubting.

Then they go and heal a bunch of people. The end of chapter 14.

So, what do you think?

Tags: Matthew, secular Bible study

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