Because I’m Worth It
Monday, February 8th, 2010
It’s kind of sad and pathetic how far I’ve fallen, I realized this weekend. I didn’t even feel like a person anymore; just a zombie wandering around trying to function through the fog of my mind. I realized how I’ve been doing the bare minimum on life, and I was tired of it and ready for a change.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m quite a fan of lists and plans. So what do you suppose I did first? Yep, I made a master list of everything that I could change that I wanted to change. I tried to picture how I wanted my life to look, and jotted down everything I could think of that I could do right now to get me there. I decided to pick two things per week to work on. This week is insomnia and cleaning up my house. It’s not dirty and doesn’t smell bad, but it is a very cluttered wreck. While those things are going to be my focus, I still want to try to do some of the other things on my list. I’m just not going to worry about it if I don’t manage to accomplish those things.
So this morning, I got up and exercised, then took a shower. And it’s really telling just how bad things are when I had to walk myself through a basic routine. I chanted “I’m going to do X because I’m worth it” through everything I didn’t particularly feel like doing: flossing my teeth instead of just brushing them, actually fixing my hair rather than throwing it back in a ponytail, putting on a little bit of makeup, putting on lotion, and adding a splash of perfume. Wow. That’s pretty sad, especially now that I see it written. The plus side is that I do feel a little bit more like a human being instead of a zombie! Before, it was usually take a shower, brush teeth, throw on deodorant, maybe fix my hair if I had somewhere to go and felt like it (I do always at least brush it and put it up in a ponytail!), throw on some ratty jeans and a t-shirt/sweatshirt, and I’m out the door. Not that there’s anything wrong with not wearing makeup or just doing the essentials if that’s who you are and it works for you. I’m noticing that I’ve let the little things go entirely, and I just don’t even feel like a person anymore, so that’s what I’m personally working on. It’s like I’ve just kind of not felt like I deserve to treat myself with love and respect over the last couple of years, and I’m surprised at how much I have to push myself to do these few things.
But I am doing it and I am already feeling better, clearer. Yay! Now to just work on feeling not pathetic for feeling like this is a victory! 
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February 9th, 2010 at 12:25 am
One thing that helped me rebuild is the understanding that the only way you can truly help anyone is to first take care of yourself. Nothing you do is more important than doing, what you need to do, to be strong. Everyone in your life will benefit more, if you first take care of the number 1 person in your life, yourself.
Only when your strong can you truly be the beacon to those around you. It is religious slave programing that makes us believe that we need to put others first all the time. It is a way to keep us weak and off balance; submissive to their control.
Good luck, remember to look at yourself and tell yourself how much you love you. It really is okay to love yourself and to be proud of the fight your putting up. Many are to weak to face it, to scared too. It is a heroic thing to stand up for what you believe. Tell yourself how proud you are to have faced the battles. It’s not whether you win or lose it’s only important you tried to do your best.
February 9th, 2010 at 3:46 am
Any chance you have problems with depression? I know you said before that you had ADD, but I’ve noticed some of your posts can be very dark – and then others are super bubbly.
I do like Richard P.’s slave programming idea – and I also think part of that is the self-deprecation that you occasionally indulge in. Things like “It’s kind of sad and pathetic how far I’ve fallen” – when I think I could safely say that anyone reading you blog would say “It’s kind of amazing and inspiring how far you’ve come”. Being not good enough for god and a filthy wretched sinner, isn’t a problem when said god doesn’t exist. You only have to live up to your own standards, which contrarily are easier to meet, while at the same time being far superior than the religious ones.
February 9th, 2010 at 5:13 am
I’ve gone through depression a few times, and I have had a couple of episodes while blogging. Not every “dark” post, but I do have a more atypical depression that knocks me out for a couple of days (as opposed to a couple of weeks) and then I’m fine. I think most of my dark posts come from having so much stress in the last 5 years and nothing to alleviate it much. I could use a good, long vacation, but it’s not going to happen for several more years at least.
February 9th, 2010 at 8:29 am
Good for you! Having a structure is really helpful when you’re not feeling like doing what’s good for you – instead of having to make a series of good decisions you just have to stick with the decisions you already made.
That’s one of the reasons I’m continually amazed by the Evangelical embrace of FlyLady and her (Marla Cilley’s) whole little homemaking empire – she says over and over that women have the right to be happy, advocates leaving any abusive situation, and has one of the most practical systems I’ve ever seen for stopping the slide into depression.
Not that everyone can pull themselves out of depression with order, exercise, regular sleep, and good eating – but I’ve seen a lot of people at least stop the spiral down with that combo, whatever system they follow.
February 9th, 2010 at 10:25 am
You are worth it because God made you in His image. His desire is for you to know His love and know that you are valuable!
February 9th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
Have you tried any treatments for depression? I was depressed for a LONG time – like you it started out as a few days here, a few days there. I tried the exercise, eat healthy, etc. That worked for a while. But slowly the depression got worse and worse. (And part of this was while I still considered myself a xtian so I did the whole pray, God will take it away, etc) Unfortunately, depression isn’t one of those things you can just “pull yourself out of.” It’s a real illness caused by chemical changes in your brain.
I did one of those depression quizzes online and got a 48 (out of 54!) – normal was under 11!!! I was (and still am kind of) scared to death to take antidepressants because of all the horror stories I had read about trying to come off of them. So I started taking some natural supplements (mostly st johns wort) and started feeling better almost right away.
I think if I had started the natural supplements when I was still in the stage you are – the “light” depression as I called it in my head – I wouldn’t have spiraled down as far as I did AND I would have gotten better MUCH quicker!
Take care of yourself! I would hate to see anybody get as low as I did – it was a miserable misearble place to be!
February 9th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
One little thing I would suggest is to drink lots of water when you start to feel that “doom” feeling. It helps me in some sort of body chemistry way, or maybe I just enjoy peeing, I don’t know which..
February 9th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
Becca, I would recommend referring to St. John’s Wort as a drug rather than a supplement. If it works for depression (and it very well might – http://www.cochrane.org/reviews/en/ab000448.html ), then it’s changing your brain chemistry and it’s a drug. Supplements are things the human body needs to take in anyway – vitamin C, iron, etc.
I also hope you’re doing this under the supervision of a physician, because although St. John’s Wort is a drug, it’s unfortunately not treated as such by the FDA, and thus the “supplements” have no good standardization and do not have to conform to regulations for drugs.
[addendum: I'm assuming you're in the US, where "natural" substances are poorly regulated. Other countries may have better or worse regulation.]
February 9th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
@zdenny…
If Laura was made in God’s image, why isn’t she invisible?
Personally, I think she is worth it because she is a decent human being. She doesn’t need any deity to make her special.
February 9th, 2010 at 6:39 pm
I wanted to recommend Gugulipids too… at GNC.. it will fix your thyroid and help you feel alive most of the time.
God Bless…
February 9th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
St. Johns’ Wort is one of the herbs that has been tested (us psychology people have more time on our hands than medical people, I guess!), and studies have found that any effect it has is placebo. Referring to it as a supplement is perfectly fine.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:04 pm
@Laura
Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t choclate have an anti depressant effect? I recommend a small square of your favorite chocolate each day. And since exercise also has benefits against depression, a nice 10 minute walk after each chocolate square will erase the calories and leave only the anti depressant effect of both treatments.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
Yes, it does! And I think that is an excellent idea!
February 9th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Hmm… the last Cochrane review was from 2008, and doesn’t support the placebo idea for St. John’s Wort, but in any case, it does have interactions with other drugs that can make it problematic (and when asked by a doctor to list drugs they’re taking, people tend not to list “supplements”).
In any case, not to hijack the thread, but it appears the ridiculous supplement laws in the US might change: http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=3772
February 9th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
So I’ve discovered that St. John’s Wort has “significant CYP3A4 inductive activity due primarily to its component, hyperforin” ( http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=402 ), it does interact with other drugs (European Journal of Clinical Pharmacology. 2006;62:225-233) and that there have indeed been good RCTs indicating that it has no effect beyond placebo (e.g., JAMA. 2002;287:1807-1814 ) while other studies appear to show an effect.
All right, I admit, I research things for fun and to avoid doing real work
My real research is about as unrelated to pharmacology as you can get (astrophysics of the high-redshift intergalactic medium). I guess I should just leave this to those who know more about it than I do, like Laura 
February 22nd, 2010 at 10:38 am
Hang in there! Thanks for sharing. I was also stuck in a fundamentalist church and am now free for going on ten years. It is good out here, and flossing helps.
Shana