Slump
Friday, February 5th, 2010
It’s hard to know what to write when everything on your mind is stuff you shouldn’t say. Yesterday, after completely losing it over something entirely miniscule, I checked out for the rest of the day. I have no more outlets. I can’t write everything I want–I don’t even know how to put it into words. My piano is gone with my marriage, and it’s too rainy to go for a walk to clear my head. I’m on day 5 of saying no to chocolate as a stress reliever. So what am I left with? Not much. Just a bunch of pent up frustrations that I tend to take out on the wrong people. I’m losing it over the simple stuff, lashing out at whoever dares to tell me hello. I haven’t taken anything out on Julieanne, but I’m just so tired. The emotional exhaustion is wearing me out physically, and today, I’m lying on the couch while I’m waiting for the Motrin to kill my migraine and reduce a fever that snuck up on me.
It’s a wet, rainy, miserable day. Kind of matches my mood. Which is better today than it was yesterday, believe it or not. It just feels like my life is never, ever going to come together. I feel like I’ve ruined some of the things that were coming together, and that there is just no more hope to fix them. Not that I can’t be happy, but that I’m permanently broken. I’m tired of people telling me it will be okay because it doesn’t feel like it will be anymore. I know it will, but right now it’s not and I want to wallow for awhile, dammit! Except I’m not really a wallow kind of person. I’m a do person, and it’s when I don’t know what to do that gets me down the most. So pity parties just make me more miserable. I want to be happy, and in many ways, I am. After so long of fighting all of these battles, I feel like a broken record, saying over and over again how I want my life to change but it never does. It gets better so slowly that it’s hard to see, especially right now in a darkest before dawn kind of moment. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just don’t know how far away it is and I don’t know if it’s the sunlight or the light of an oncoming train . . .
Anyways, that was a nice, depressing post. I know things will get better and I’m trying to stay positive. I’m just worn out is all.
PS: I know something I can say. I want to be in a place I’m not. My life was derailed, and I’m ready for it to be railed again. I’m ready to settle down and live a nice life with my family, but I’m just not there. I was there, but I’m not anymore. And I will be again. But I’m not now and that bugs me. Stability, consistency; that’s what I want. I’m tired of living the college life, but anything I want to do short of counseling or law school will take more undergrad college. Heck, I don’t even want to go back to grad school, but I think I could stomach that whereas the thought of taking one more freshman level class makes me want to vomit. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m ready to stop being 18 now!
PPS I know I’m behind on email/comment responses. I’ll catch up later tonight or tomorrow morning. Sorry for the delay.
Loading ...
February 5th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Any chance you could join a gym? Nothing takes the edge of for me like an awesome workout that leaves me feeling week and sore
February 5th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
I’m really sorry
You’ll get back on the rails, you really will.
I want to suggest two totally fun things to read.
One is Jennifer Crusie’s book Fast Women, which is a post-divorce murder mystery romance, very light, very funny, very very smart, and totally cathartic.
And the other is Lucy March’s blog which is about divorce and finding yourself and unconditional love and not having to be perfect. It’s about 100% religion-free – not pro, not con, just not an issue at all.
LucyMarch.com (these two suggestions are related; “Lucy” is Jenny Crusie’s roomate and sometimes writing partner).
February 5th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Laura,
It’s OK to wallow! Please do! You need to reload your emotional batteries, not only for yourself but also for your daughter & husband.
Just want to let you know that I read your blog every day and I love it. You are so strong & funny.
I am thinking of you…
Big Hug – Eliza
February 5th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Oh Laura
It is ok to be overwhelmed, and feel that way. Trust me, this is a long process, and you will have good days and bad.
Keep Smiling. Keep Fighting. Remember what is important. You will get there.
Jo
February 5th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
Laura, On Tuesday evening, after a long day at a new job (Hospice), a short break to jot down phone calls to return and to check emails for my private practice, and a long rehearsal with our community orchestra where I had to jump in on piccolo when the piccoloist had to leave unexpectedly, and all on about 4 hours of sleep for the second night in a row, I got home safely, although I had to drive through a flood of tears and emotions. All I could say for 15 minutes while standing in the kitchen was “I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m so tired” over and over and over again. I was literally so physically and emotionally tired that I just couldn’t stop the perseveration. I finally got myself to bed and to sleep and looked like hell the next morning. All day Wednesday, I had discomfort in my chest. Big red flag! “That is it,” I said. These conflicts between my mind and my emotions are going to cause damage to my health. Something had to give and I didn’t want it to be my body…I’ve got a marathon to run and am facing the possibility of being totally dependent on myself for my income.
Forgoing a training run, I allowed myself serious time Thursday morning to breathe, meditate and really forgive and accept all that I am and to remind myself that I have may have to do it over and over as the pain lessens. I imagined my emotional self, intellectual self, and physical self forgiving and accepting each other (although intellectual self was a little reluctant to accept the forgiveness…dang sarcophobia, it’s the hardest piece of indoctrination for me to get over). Wow, I have not felt that good in a while. I felt whole, complete and alive.
Today, I felt a little less invigorated, but less inclined to be self-critical. I’m sure down the road that things will pile up, old habits will creep in, and I’ll get overwhelmed again. There are things I still have to deal with…the reason I may have to be self-dependent. But, from following your blog and the thoughtful comments you receive, I see I’m only human. I’m not alone. People have experienced, for different reasons, a lot of the same emotions you have. You’re not alone. I’m not alone, and knowing that has made a big difference.
I am sorry for your feelings and resonate with you. You have permission to wallow. It’s kinda like detoxing and making sure you get it all out. My thought on chocolate…it doesn’t heal a broken heart, but it stops the bleeding, especially if you take the time to really savor a small piece.
Warm hugs
Rosa, I’m going to look up Lucy March. Sounds like more good stuff.
February 5th, 2010 at 8:02 pm
To wallow: I recommend listening to the Cure. Pretty much any song. Or doom metal like My Dying Bride, but perhaps you’re not into metal
On chocolate: I recommend buying really good chocolate (like Theo – the name’s from Theobroma cacao, the chocolate tree, nothing to do with god). That way you can only afford a little bit, but it’s so good that it’s fun to savor small pieces.
February 6th, 2010 at 3:20 am
Laura,
You have a picture of life that you grew up with that you will always consider normal. It is just the way you were raised. I know most folks believe that a woman should have a career, work, be independent, never rely on man, throw the kids into day care and strive for power; however, most women are not built this way.
I think contrary to popular belief, a woman wants to be loved and feel secure which is exactly what the Bible teaches. Why do you think your Mom loved Christianity? Christianity provides a justification for the life she really wanted. You just had a selfish husband which is something the Bible totally condemns, selfishness…
It is not wrong to work outside the home, have a career, etc… It is just not ideal for most women since it really does not fill a need in their life. I know my wife loves being part of the social life, running the life of our kids, even running my life. She loves knowing that their is gas in the car, that we have friends in church, have a social life with Christians, etc.. She is always busy socializing, talking, doing, running and when you gets to busy, she can always slow down and take it easy when she needs to. She has absolutely no desire to work outside the home when her home life provides so much security and love.
I make sure she has a lot of opportunities to follow… I something create opportunities for her just to make sure she has options to follow if life gets to slow.
I love my wife. She is my greatest joy, reward, love and she is my life. I think about her everyday day. There isn’t a moment when I think something bad about her. She is the most wonderful, beautiful, fun and enjoyable person I can ever imagine being with… I am able to love her and provide that security for her because I know the love of God. My love for her is not dependent on what she does for me; rather, I love her simply for who she is at every moment because that is what God calls me to do… Our love for each other is growing which is what love is suppose to do in a marriage…
God Bless..
February 6th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Dear Zdenny,
How would you know your wife loves what she does? You show no aptitude for listening.
And you tempt me to strive for power (which has never been one of my goals.) If i could get you off the internet and make you mute for a few weeks so other people around you would have a chance to speak their piece and you’d be forced to listen, I’d grab that power in an instant.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:27 pm
Laura,
I was an Undergrad for 9+ years and I was full time all the way with several heavy summer semesters thrown in so I know what it’s like to drown in academia. You really have to convince yourself that you’re good at it, good at it to be satisfied with yourself. If you really think you’re good at it, then you will like it. I’d love the chance to go back to school and take anything.
Build up your mental muscles!
February 7th, 2010 at 11:50 am
Now is NOT the time to give up chocolate. Do it later. Now is the time to embrace whatever makes you more sane. We are not superwomen. My doctor strongly advised me to not start a diet or exercise program until after I’d finished my thesis, just because it adds stress, and stress is worse for you than just about anything (including chocolate, or beer, in my case). You’re already carrying a lot of stress– you should give yourself a break!