Are We Having Fun Yet?
Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
I hung up the phone Monday night feeling kind of like a bitch. Cooperation preceded the feeling. I called Bob to ask about a sore on Julieanne’s hand and foot and a sudden fear of the police. At the end of the fight-free conversation, I thought, wow, I really demonize him sometimes. And then the real reason why we got along during the conversation hit me.
I wonder why I’m so quick to feel like I’m the one blowing everything out of proportion. I think I do sometimes, but usually, we do fight, and if we don’t fight, then something else is wrong. I realized later that I had not argued with him because I had refused to engage. When he blamed the sore on me, I ignored it, even though his explanation made absolutely no sense. When he told me he lanced it, my eyeballs about popped out of my head, but I ignored that, too, figuring it had already been done, and there was no point addressing it. That’s the way it goes. It’s the way it’s always been: I either allow myself to be steamrolled or I have to fight. There are no minor fights between us, and there is no happy medium. It’s one end or the other, and it’s miserable. Anymore, I try to reserve the fighting for something that is continuing to happen, but it’s incredibly frustrating to listen to how I caused a problem I didn’t.
Today, when her sore was no better and still angry, red, and swollen, I took her to the doctor who took one look at it and prescribed antibiotics 3x per day for the next 10 days. I laughed when a nurse told me to tell him not to lance a sore on a 3-year old again. How cynical I’ve become, but really, I just feel helpless. I realized what appears to be cooperation is actually defeat, and I worry she won’t get all of her medicine while Bob and Beth are at work.
To top it off, something happened with the office staff. I can’t go into details until I get it all cleared up because it has to do with some custody stuff that I don’t want the wrong people to find out about until it’s over with, but I had to call my lawyer who advised me to return and be assertive. I’m not assertive. I hate being assertive, especially to strangers or people I don’t know well. I am dreading it. I still hate confrontation and I like to be friendly and understanding. This, however, requires unfriendliness and non-understanding. I’ll fill in the details Monday. Until then, I’ll practice in the mirror a couple hundred times. I’ll work myself up enough to make myself do it. I’m so used to my default polite position, that these kind of situations are really hard for me. I’d say I need therapy, but that’s another story. . .
What a day. It never really ends.
Tags: divorce, joint custody, parenting
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December 23rd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Ugh. I hate being assertive so much. I know what you mean about the “default polite position” and it is so hard to break out of. Good luck!!!
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
It is possible to be assertive and still be nice. You just politely hold to your position on things, and calmly explain why you think you are right. You can smile and say “sorry to cause a fuss, but I am in the right and the sooner you see that, the sooner this will be over.”
Assertive does not mean confrontational. “I don’t like to stir the pot. I’m easy going and I like to see things go smoothly. But I just can’t go along with this. If this is your final possession on this, then I have to seek other options to resolve it.” No screaming. No threats. Just this is where I stand and I’m not moving. Everyone is wrong sometimes, and this is just one of your times. Then you just don’t agree with any solution to the issue that is less than what you want. Easy to say, sometimes harder to do.
December 23rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
oh, yeah, ddr, I know. It doesn’t feel that way to me, though, if that makes any sense. It’s something I have to really work on. Every time I hold my ground, I FEEL rude, I FEEL like I’m causing problems. I need assertiveness training!
December 24th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I’ve always found that the key to staying out of ridiculous arguments with family members is to make the points that need to be said, and to know when they are trying to drag me into an argument. With your ex-husband next time he says something ridiculous, like blaming the sore on you, just tell him “you’re being ridiculous, I’m not getting into this”. He will keep trying of course, but if you keep saying the same thing word for word he will stop. At least thats how it works with some of my crazier uncle/aunts who I’m flying out to see right now. Oh Holidays, how I love/hate you.
December 28th, 2009 at 1:32 am
Hey, if you got off the phone with only a vague bad feeling (and new insights!) you’re ahead.
The thing is, assertiveness isn’t a character trait, it’s a skill and a set of habits. It’s not your fault you don’t have them and it’s a deficit, having to learn and practice them as an adult – it’s like if you were learning to read, or cook for yourself, and having to go through all the practicing and refining that goes along with that, right now.
So, practice – and if you want book suggestions I recommend The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense, which has a handbook along with it so you can practice dialogues – and forgive yourself when it isn’t easy to do. You’ll get there.
December 29th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I can so relate to this. I can have a rational discussion with anyone I disagree with other than my soon-to-be ex-wife. She knows exactly what buttons to push, and I have no defenses against her. She has even admitted that she’s manipulated me into agreeing with her, though I’m not sure she’s aware of it while she’s doing it.
And confrontation. Few things terrify me more.