The Real Me
Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
I used to sing in church a lot. I am not a soloist, but I do very well in a group. Because I did well in a group, most people assumed I would do well as a soloist and I sang a lot in both churches. I was never good enough for anything beyond the older people who attended and could barely hear me (haha), but I did enjoy it.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y56Bbsxp390&feature=related]
This was the last song I planned to sing in church. I chose it because I felt like nobody saw the real me. I bought the music, practiced it, and planned to sing it in mid-October, 2007. Unfortunately, I found the real me at the end of September, so I never sang it publicly. But I still like it, because it reminds me of how lost and lonely and invisible I felt, and then I think, now I do see the real me, and many others do now, too. And it is wonderful and beautiful to finally set myself free.
Tags: " Christian music, "The Real Me, Christian, invisible, Natalie Grant
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November 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am
There is a certain poetry to your recollection/conversation.
And having it end at the being of school could be both a real and symbolic end.
November 24th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
This is one of my favorite songs! Of course, I am a minister’s wife and completely understand what an isolated and alone feeling it can be and I can understand the attacks some people put upon you when they don’t feel like you are the plastic face of perfection they think you should be. I can understand because I’ve been on the receiving end of these attacks.
I do feel I need to ask, and please don’t think I am being judgemental because this is not meant that way at all, “Are you really an atheist or are you just angry about how you were treated by the church and your ex?”
I ask this because I have been mistreated horribly by a church, almost as if I were judged for having feelings, because I chose to not put on the plastic face when things were going wrong….you just get to a point after so much hardship where you have no plastic face left! For a while, I struggled with anger at God over this. What I had to do is look at the situation and say, “That wasn’t God because God would never treat me the way these “christians” did.” There are some very fine christian people who treat others with love and follow the Bible. Unfortunately, there are some very mean “christians” who use their so called brand of christianity to hurt people. When I come across those “christians” I tend to stay away (once I find out they are that way) and then just pray the truth will come out over any trouble they have caused in my name.
I do also wonder if part of your anger is over your ex-husband not defending you. I know that has been a real struggle for me and I finally had to lay it out on the table for my husband….he was chosing the church over me! When you can sit in a room (with your husband present) and be attacked by two other staff members and your husband doesn’t speak up and say, “Hey, that’s my wife, you have no right to treat her that way!” there is a problem. We had to work through this and I had to work through alot of anger at him over this.
However, the real issue is we live in a world full of hurtful people and that hurt also extends into the church. This is not God’s doing but satan’s. I am sure satan takes much joy at the hurt, hurt that drives people away from the church and even from God, that goes on in some churches. What I would say to people is this, “If you are being hurt by a church, get out of that church and find a new one. If your church is hurting you and not loving and supporting you, it is not a healthy church!”
To those who think they are righteous: You can paint on your plastic face and pretend to be a perfect, sin free person while you are at church….but you are only fooling yourself and a few people at church. God sees you, the real you, and He knows you inside out. So why put on a plastic face? All the plastic face does is hurt people and make them think they aren’t good enough to come to church or aren’t good enough for God. The plastic face is due to your own vanity and pride…which is a SIN!!! When, truth be told, none of us are good enough for God (we are all sinners) but He loves us anyways and offered us a chance for grace if we only believe. Remember, Jesus talked to the woman at the well full knowing she was a sinner. He was THE ONLY ONE who had the right to judge her but instead He extended to her love and grace. Perhaps you need to learn from His example!
November 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I left the ministry and the Baptist church because of all of that, but I spent some time in the Episcopalian and Presbyterian church perfectly happy with the people and the doctrine. Over the next year, however, the intellectual arguments won me over.
Thanks for commenting! It’s rare to get a fellow ministry wife on here!
November 24th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I actually just read through some more of your blog and must say I am very heartbroken over your story. Thankfully my own story is not that way….my husband does adore me and is the same person at church as he is at home (sadly, I do realize that is not the case for all ministers).
My problem has been more of a lonely feeling and feeling like my husband fogets to put me before the church. But my main struggle is the attacks from people who don’t feel I am good enough or I am too human. However, I refuse to wear the plastic face, no matter what anyone says. I think my lack of “plastic” just angers people more but I honestly don’t think the plastic face is a good thing!
Although you and I have different views on God, I must say reading your truthful words about how you felt as a minister’s wife have been helpful to me. You are correct in saying that most minister’s wives won’t openly share their hurts but in my experience it wasn’t for fear of what God would do, rather it was for fear of being attacked by church members. I’m a little different because I have expressed my hurts. I have been abused by the few for it and loved through it by many. However, no matter how small the mean acts were compared to those who loved, it’s the mean stuff that sticks with me and the judgemental eyes of the few that make me want to stick my tongue out and run for the hills.
It is a hard life sometimes but your words today have put things in perspective for me….it could be SO much worse. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage and a very happy home life, he is a gentle, fun loving man (thankfully). I am very thankful today that my husband is the same man at church as he is at home, I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I had to live a lie for him!
It is great to know you would be willing to listen if I ever needed to talk. Thanks for opening your heart and ears! You seem like a very sweet person!