What Ifs
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
I realize today that I write therapeutically. It’s why I can be honest and why it’s hard for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes. Seeing my thoughts on paper and reading comments is immensely helpful.
But I’m not all the way there. Since Bob and I first separated, I have filled out numerous doctor’s and counseling forms. All of them ask about past abusive experiences, and I have always left that blank. If confronted, I blush and say no. I can write about it all day, but I am not really ready to talk about it. And I don’t ever really know what to say, because a huge part of me still has a hard time calling anything he did “abuse.” I feel like if I say it is, then he’ll either say I was abusive, too or deny it. I am afraid that if he denies it (which he most certainly would), then he would be right and I’ve accused someone of being a worse person than they are. I am scared that my perspective is skewed; that I’m just remembering wrong after a couple of bad years. It’s been known to happen.
Unfortunately, the time has come to talk about it. I have to fill out forms for mediation, and I have to tell the truth, and I feel like I don’t even know what the truth is anymore. I feel completely confused. So I am going back to counseling. Do I think it will help? Meh, maybe. Counseling helps people manage their problems, not solve them. I’m not doing anything destructive. But I think I do need help in resolving this issue and I think counseling can help me sort it out. Also give me some practice for talking about it. I just hate crying in front of people (even Steve, despite the fact that I have filled an ocean of tears in front of him over the last few years) and I am scared I will cry the whole time. I am not a cry person, I am a do person, and I usually only cry when I feel helpless. Which has been a lot the last couple of years. I guess better in front of a therapist than a lawyer and Bob, right? I am hoping it will help.
I’m terrified. I have a million “what ifs” running through my mind, none of them pleasant. I have good reason for good hope, but I also know that there are a million ways for this to go wrong. I have assurances from many people, but this time, it’s not helping because it requires predicting what Bob will do and what mediation will do, and there is just no real telling. I’m afraid of making the situation worse than it already is. I’m afraid I will spend a lot of money and get nowhere: that he’ll agree to fix the problems in name only, and nothing will be solved.
I hate this. I hate fighting, I hate legal battles, I hate not being able to write everything I want to write when writing is the only thing that really helps, and I hate feeling like I only ever talk about sad and depressing things on this blog when I’m not sad and depressing in real life (usually). I’m ready for some sunshine again.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 8:43 am
Big Brit Hug For Ya!
Kyu
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
Divorce sucks, especially when there are children involved. It is so painful, and for me it called into question all of my decision making capabilities. I was in a depressed mood all the time. I was angry with the ex all of the time. I was not even much happier after it was over because of how it all went down and how horribly she behaved, and how horribly I behaved because I couldn’t control my reactions to her passive aggressive bullshit.
So, I know where you are coming from.
Counseling is very helpful, if for no other reason that to help you filter the detritus. Go and give it your best effort at honesty. That sounds stupidly easy, but if you are really honest, and talk about all of the difficult stuff, including your roles, real and perceived, it will be very difficult and also very healing. I cried every day in my therapist’s office for probably the first 10 appointments, and after that it was about every other one, and so on.
There is hope though. I went through all of that about 3 years ago, and I am sad to say that my relationship with the ex is nonexistent, but I am happy again and highly functioning in my life again and I am actually fun to be around again! The clouds took a while to break, but they did a couple of years ago, and there really is a better life on the other side!
The hardest part is that it just takes time, and the clock doesn’t really start on the final leg of the journey until all of the divorce / custody / financial crap is finalized.
*hugs*
Rex
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:33 am
Just found your blog a few days ago. Really been enjoying it. I can relate to much of what your past. Sorry to hear about this.
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
Our situations are similar – except that it has been 4 years since I’ve gotten my divorce.
The feelings you have are normal. I actually didn’t mention the abuse in my divorce because my atty said it wouldn’t do anything but make it into a nasty fight. Sometimes I think I should have.
I’ve experienced a lot of the emotions and feelings you have and I can tell you that it is a long road. It’s worth it, but it’s a long road.
For me, admitting the abuse was freeing. I also noticed as time went on that I was abused a lot more than I realized. The things I took as normal were actually horrifying to others. Also, the spiritual abuse that I endured for 28 years was a whole ‘nother onion.
Anyway *hugs*. Keep walking the path, keep your head up and know that no matter what you could have done you didn’t deserve the crap your ex gave you.
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Take the red pill (is that the one that continues the story?).
Counseling is worth it, if you find the right therapist. You have to talk it out, it’s the only way to get past it.
It always helped for me to think about how much worse other people have had it. I mean, pretty much no matter what, you can find examples of people that have been though worse experiences and come out “OK”.
It may take years, that’s OK. And, we’re here for you!
Stay strong.
-Darren (daily reader)
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:39 am
Finding a good counselor is like finding a good mate, it takes time and you may not get it right on the first try. The therapist/client relationship is a weird one in that you’re expected to disclose all of your deepest, most private secrets in what is essentially a business transaction. And yet, it can be an extremely helpful service.
Any therapist worth their skin (and their license) will accept you for you and not judge you, not think you’re lying, or making stuff up or being manipulative. It takes time to build up an effective therapeutic relationship like any other relationship.
If you feel misunderstood, or belittled, or demeaned. You don’t have to stay. You can find a new one. And at the same time, be ready for the therapist to gently call you out on any irrational thoughts or behaviors (that’s a big part of their job). If you haven’t already picked out a therapist, you may want to try a clinical social worker. We don’t recieve as much intensive training as a psychiatrist or a clinical/counseling psychologist, but our therapeutic philosophy is a lot more welcoming and empathetic.
As a therapist myself, I can tell you that we’re only as good as the information we’re given. You’re paying us too much money not to give us the whole story. We won’t think less of you for crying, or not crying. If you want/need to cry, go for it. You’re right when you say we won’t fix your problems, but we really try hard to give you the tools you need so you can fix your problems yourself.
Depending on if you have a diagnosis or not (which you probably will if you’re billing insurance for anything) you may want to read up on effective counseling techniques for whatever your situation is. Cognitive behavior therapy is a wonderful catch all treatment for depression, anxiety, PTSD etc. You may want to learn more about evidence based techniques, and ask your counselor what treatment model they use? If it helps, ask for a treatment plan with goals and such, so you can feel that there is some direction and expectations for success rather than just a having an expensive vent session.
There’s a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions about counseling and therapy (admittedly, many of which are perpetuated by us). If you have the time, the more can learn upfront, the more demystified the whole thing will be and the more confident you’ll feel about the process. And strangely or not, the more confident you are about the treatment, the better your outcomes will be.
I really enjoy your blog I think you’re doing the right things in your life.
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I can really sense the struggle in your life and my heart breaks as I read your blog. You really need a stable and secure environment; however, it appears that the men in your life don’t know how to provide that for you.
The hurt you are feeling will take a long time to heal. I think you can see all the problems moving forward which can cause fear to rise in your heart.
If you knew a man who knew the love of God, he would be able to help you and provide that secure environment. It appears that Bob and Steve are both failures in this regard.
The pain that you have will in time pass; however, without His love, you won’t be able to get past the pain completely and it will turn into bitterness and anger.
When I have made mistakes, I always went to the Lord and He would work everything out. The Scriptures say, “All things work together for good to them that love the Lord”
My prayers are with you!
November 24th, 2009 at 1:11 am
zdenny did anyone ever tell you that you sound like a real fruit cake sometimes,seems you really think you have it all worked out with your faithful type calculations .But in my opinion i think you dont really see or understand the real picture and dont even get it that maybe the problem has been, gods have been a very big part of the problem with whats happened already.Yet here you are suggesting maybe more action via the gods is all thats needed ?
In my opinion action via humanity is whats really needed more of zdenny,action from humanity to work towards making very sure in future these curses of religion never get happen in the first place.Godly action on this earth needs to become far more regulated !
Hi Laura you said “I realize today that I write therapeutically” ,yeah ive been thinking today about that since i read what you wrote this morning, and agree i think its got alot to do with why many folks are starting to use the internet to talk about and expose some of these things that have quietly gone on for many years mostly unnoticed .Maybe i do find it therapeutic too also.Sometimes i wonder if its more about trying to understand myself and understand the way things happened a little better.It almost like i find it hard to come to grips with all thats happened..And maybe sometimes it even almost seems like maybe its im wishing there was just some new way i havent found yet that maybe some of the past could be changed.
I often get confused about it myself.
But anyway what ever reason it really be mostly about,im certain for very sure! its very important and much better more folks start talking as publically about it as possible.Because its long time needed to change ! ,and if folks dont discuss it enough then not enough folks will ever become aware and realize all whats been happening and going on for so long in many religious circles.
I read through many of your stories including the ones of most harm and i understand the confusion and struggling to understand and the feelings of guilt and wondering who`s most to blame for everything etc and the swinging back and forth of feelings.The way the mind wanders at times almost like its trying to re-analyze everything, as if by doing so and maybe understanding it all better … Just maybe things can maybe be somehow changed.
Once again Laura thanks for writing these thoughts and sharing them with us.
November 24th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Zdenny, you don’t have to “sense” the struggle in Laura’s life – she’s telling us about it. You just have to read what she says. It doesn’t take ESP.
You are suggesting that she should turn to her partner as a therapist? Or get divorced again and find a different guy who will be her therapist? I’m trying to figure out what you think God wants, here – you’d think if there was a magical dude out there who would be glad to listen to Laura process everything in her life (including her relationship with her ex, always good fodder for a new relationship and of course something every Christian man is going to be open, comfortable, and nonjudgemental hearing) God would have sent him along already.
Or maybe you’re hoping to be the one? You have that same snide backhanded fake “loving” style of a man who hits on every woman in the bar until he finds one who’s susceptible to being undermined and abused. “When i have made mistakes…” Don’t assume Laura needs someone to fix her mistakes, or that all the mistakes were hers; she’s doing a pretty good job at figuring things out now and if she needs help it will be someone to help clarify her thinking and help her move forward, not fix it for her.
November 24th, 2009 at 8:13 am
When Zdenny said:
“When I have made mistakes, I always went to the Lord and He would work everything out. ”
The real world heard ” when I have made mistakes, me and my imagination absolve ourselves of any responsibility for my actions and I don’t have to learn a thing!”
November 25th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Laura,
Who needs a therapist when you have Zdenny giving you all the answers? I mean, this guy has got the whole thing figured out…..
You are a “sad atheist” who is incapable of love, because Christians (and by that I mean people Zdenny confirms as Christian…you can’t just call yourself one or devote your life to Jesus, you actually have to devote your life in the way Zdenny thinks you should) have a monopoly on love. No one in the history of time has ever loved anyone until Jesus came along. He KNOWS that you never REALLY committed yourself to Jesus, because the big black book told him so.
Yep, save yourself some money and just get your therapy from the REAL expert.
What a crock…