Not Always Perfect
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
I can be a real bitch sometimes, and I know it. I’m not proud of it, but don’t think that with all my stories that I think for a second that I am always innocent and always a victim. It used to be that way, to me anyways– I bet Bob would disagree, and strongly, and he would probably even have a few good points. But somewhere in the fear, loss, and confusion, I had to learn to be strong, and with it, came some not so very nice thoughts and emotions.
Like, what brought this post to mind for example, I really don’t want him to be happy. I don’t want him to be miserable necessarily; I just don’t want good things to happen to him. It gets worse, but I shouldn’t advertise all of my shortcomings on a public blog when we are about to head for mediation. (Just know I would never harm him or wish harm on him!) In my quest for honesty, I find that occasionally, the wisest thing to do is to keep my mouth shut. But I’m not perfect. I don’t always handle situations with him very well, in my head anyways. I panic over things I have no control over. I am not to the point where I wish we could both move on, lead our separate lives happily ever after. And while I don’t wish him injury, I don’t want his marriage to succeed, I don’t want him to find a good job, I don’t want anything nice for him either. Some people would say that means I’m not over him. It’s true that I’m not over everything that happened, but it’s not hard to get over a relationship that didn’t mean much to either party.
Sometimes, like tonight, I think about things like that and I feel guilty and bitchy, so I thought I would write about it. I am not always perfect myself, and he could probably start his own blog about how horrible I really am, and people would feel sorry for him, too!
Tags: divorce
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November 22nd, 2009 at 12:31 am
ah, that’s ok, you’re not alone. I’m actually not crying at all that the guy who molested me at 5 later never graduated high school, told a bank clerk he had a bomb, got himself into juvvie, etc.
Not that I’d have wished any of that on him, but… y’know, certainly not crying that it happened, and if I thought god was a magic vending machine in the sky I wouldn’t put in a coin of a prayer to pull out stuff for him, either. It’s nice to be respected and valued by society and not thrown away as a playtoy of someone they love more than me who managed to mess up my head so much. (Polanski anyone?) I think it’s easier to be a victim of a loser than someone who’s successful… it’s easier when it’s a loser just to think it was that one person and not an entire system against you.
But whatever, I’m probably talking more about me than anyone else so… I’ll shut up.
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:37 am
You wrote: “Occasionally, the wisest thing to do is to keep my mouth shut.”
Recently, I was at a get-together with a Buddhist monk. At a point, he said: “We should think before we speak, but we should not speak all that we think.”
After a few such serious points, he said: “And there’s absolutely no valid reason not to make fun of it all.”
November 22nd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Well, Laura,
I’m thinking that you’re simply human, and being real.
However, given everything that you’ve shared about this man, I’m hoping that you will eventually be able to win primary custody of your daughter.
Unless Bob has grown, and dealt with his addiction, and need for control through counseling, or God has worked some real change, and miracles in his life, he should not be rearing a young girl child.
Realize this is a strong statement, and maybe I don’t have the right to make it. But, there it is.
Prayers ascending for this upcoming mediation.
November 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Laura, I enjoy reading your posts, and I enjoy your honesty, but, given what you said,
I’m uneasy about whether you should have made this post public at this time. I hope it doesn’t end up being used against you.
Having said that, you are no worse than anyone else, and probably better than some/many. As Grace said, “you’re simply human.”
November 22nd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
It’s fine! Nothing I can’t say here and now that should be able to be used against me. Well, he could try, but it wouldn’t go anywhere. It’s nothing that would make me lose a case, but stuff I don’t want to advertise, either. If they ask me about it, I can answer and it won’t be a big deal. Actually, I don’t even entirely remember what I was thinking in that moment anyways.
November 22nd, 2009 at 6:28 pm
The Chaplain –>”Having said that, you are no worse than anyone else, and probably better than some/many. As Grace said, “you’re simply human.”
Simply being a very honest human too.
Its so funny i read what you write and read many of the same things i also often think myself.
Laura i have not yet had time to read all about Bob and his present life and his own family situation etc and how everything goes with Julieanne.. But im wondering from what ive read it seems you have also lost much of the family bond between your own mum and dad etc. Does it maybe sometimes effect you and feel hard to feel like you can ever really compare, with the likes of what maybe Bob and his side of his family etc combined maybe has to offer Julieanne . Just wondering.
I have a broken relationship myself and two sons,like you i have very religious parents and a very broken family situation very much like what you discribe.And to be honest no matter how hard i tried it never seemed like i was ever really able to compare with the boys mothers family situation.Sure sometimes id feel a little jealous about it .And then next moment im feeling so bad for even allowing myself of feeling that way!,and im so angry at myself that i did, that i then even start beating myself up quite badly over it.
November 22nd, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I know how you feel. My parents are really close to Julieanne: they aren’t so much with me, but they’ve been great with her. Bob’s family lives all over the world, as his parents are military and his siblings have settled in various states, so I feel like I offer her a LOT more when it comes to extended family. I also am in a better living situation, or at least I will be within the next year.
What I don’t have are 6 other children she can play with. I can’t compete with that, and it frustrates me. She’ll tell me she misses her dad, but when you question her further, it’s those other kids she misses. her stepmother does have a LOT of family in town that can babysit and be around the kids, too. So in that area, it does frustrate me. I will never have 6 more kids. I do not want that many. Maybe one or two, but that is a few years down the road– by then, she’ll probably enjoy being an only child at my house. In the sibling department, I will never win.
November 22nd, 2009 at 6:41 pm
(But that may not be a bad thing, either, in the long run. Right now, it’s beneficial because it makes her less afraid of the dark. But when it comes to any possible abusive situations, she’s first on the list because she’s the stepsister. And that does worry me. A LOT.)
The way I have had to look at it now is that I do the best I can when she is with me. I treat her like she’s been here all along, for the most part. I don’t allow myself to feel guilty about it anymore because guilt and second guessing and what ifs tear me apart. I get really depressed if I let myself go down those roads. So I kind of cord them off and force myself not to think about them. I do what I can when I can do it, and I know that is all I can do. So don’t feel guilty. Just keep moving, keep loving, and keep being there the best you can when you can.
November 22nd, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Laura –>”My parents are really close to Julieanne”
Laura im kinda glad to hear that .In my case it was very much a situation of the sins of the father having to be payed for in part by the children also .
What crazinesses we were given in the rather strange hand of cards we were dealt hmmm
Im really enjoying reading what you have written .
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Oh, yeah, I remember! It’s nothing that isn’t going to come out during mediation/court. I am just delaying the inevitable as long as possible for strategical purposes. I will write more details as they happen.
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:00 pm
any time you need to let off some steam, feel free.
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:36 am
I’m with Grace. As a committed Christian wife/mom of five whose kids go to pubic school and live in the “real world” I am also a Licensed Clinical Social Worker practicing as a therapist in a community mental health center for the last 2o+ years. You are very kind in describing your ex-husband as a good father but the dynamics of pushing you to act out his interest in porn and what sounds like a sweet, passive “subservient” new wife who might close her eyes to difficult or uncomfortable situations makes me feel…concerned. I have a strong belief and faith in God but throughout my practice and years of making sure my home is open to anyone and everyone my kids bring in the door, I have also been VERY realistic with my kids about what is out there in the world and what potential harms can befall kids and young adults who don’t keep their eyes open and are too naive and vulnerable. Interestingly, I also grew up in a fundamentalist home with a strong, domineering dad who pulled me out of school for a week during my junior year of high school to attend a Bill Gothard seminar 500 miles from home when he thought I was being too independent and “rebellious”. While now I can appreciate my dad’s interest and efforts, even back then the guy gave me the creeps and still does to this day. I didn’t even know he was still around. And probably still not married. And does he still believe you should live with your parents until you marry and go straight from their home to your spouse’s home? But I digress. I was fortunate to have also had a strong willed mom (also an RN who worked nights– but at a university student health center). She also saw it all and didn’t hesitate to tell her four kids about all the antics and trouble drunk college students got themselves into. We knew about STD’s; rape; students falling out of windows to their death while intoxicated and the importance of warm “mothering”. Some of the kids she cleaned up and lectured while in her care still send her Christmas cards thanking her–decades later! Anyway, while we don’t share the same beliefs, I have been fascinated by your story and want to applaud you in your ongoing healing process. Your writings are heartwrenching but you appear to have been able to work through so much of your pain with the help of your friends and this blog. I am so glad you have been able to find your husband and “soul-mate” to accompany you on this journey. You’ve given me lots of food for thought as I prepare for my daughter to graduate from college. I know you are going into some stressful mediations and I don’t want to add to that. You seem loving and wise and able to recognize potential problems with your sweet daughter. Just…keep her talking about her feelings and anything that makes her feel awkward or uncomfortable. Best wishes to you.
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:35 am
It is especially a tragedy for the kids. Chas and I have parents that were both divorced. When it comes to holidays, we have four sets of parents so we hardly get to see any of them. We decided at the beginning of our marriage that we were going to make it work.
We learned about love and studied it because we didn’t want our kids to go through what you are putting yours through. We loved them too much.
Your post also reveals your heart that needs the love of God. Lust and love are opposites as well as power and servanthood. Chas and I have decided on the reality of love found in Christ and servanthood and this is the secret to our marriage.
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:40 am
You know, the interesting thing is that my ex-husband is still a practicing Christian. If “love” is pushing your wife to act out your porn fantasies, splitting your child into two, and doing other things I cannot write about on here due to upcoming mediation and a possible custody battle, I’ll take lust, thank you.
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:31 pm
That is my point…your husband does not know the love of God. You have two choices. Either love or lust. It appears that your ex-husband was focused on lust. You then become a skeptic and all skeptics believe lust is the foundation of life. Love is merely lust in atheism…
Your ex was godless and now you are godless too…Can’t you see the irony….You went the wrong direction.
My wife and I did just the opposite. We said, “We will serve the Lord and reject lust for love. We serve each other and that is the secret of our success…
My wife said the other day, “I wish everyone knew how easy life is when you live for the Lord”
My response, “The life of love is the best life of them all…”
November 24th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Laura: best of luck with the mediation. So you aren’t perfect – you still seem like a very good person. Julianne deserves to be with you.
zdenny: I’m curious – are you here just because you want attention? One of those people who craves attention, even if it’s 100% negative (as it has been in the comments on this blog)? As far as I can tell, everyone here thinks you are wrong in just about every way, and wishes you would go away (although some commenters are much more polite than others).
I know I’m feeding the troll, here, but it seems to scavenge enough to keep hanging around here with or without my help…