Here’s another rather personal post. I am sure I am blushing as I type it, but the truth needs to be told in all of it’s ugliness. Somebody needs to tell it, and I while I would rather it be someone else, I am the only person I know who will get this detailed. So here it goes.

So many things in my life have improved over the last two years! Someone asked on a message board yesterday, though, about how those of us who have been through this kind of marriage feel about relationships now. It’s a good question, and made me think about the little things I do that I didn’t used to do. How I am a little more jealous and less trusting than I used to be. Here was my answer (with a few more details added):

I have a hard time knowing what “normal” is now. I have tried therapy, but since I’d had counseling classes, I already knew all the “answers,” and the truth is that there are no real answers. Steve is SO patient. I don’t deserve him as nuts as I am, especially about stuff in the bedroom. Since I bought the whole “abstinence” thing the first time around, I was sexually trained in a very abnormal environment. Even though I’ve been with my current husband for over 2 years now, I still struggle.

The truth is, I learned a lot of things I probably shouldn’t. I didn’t learn how to be a loving wife; I learned how to be someone’s fantasy. Which is nice occasionally, but it is not particularly fulfilling or meaningful. I learned how to degrade myself to fulfill what someone else wanted. As I am still a pretty modest person, this is embarrassing to admit, but I learned that when I needed love or comfort to go for sex. In my life, there was no cuddling. If I needed human contact, I went for the home run. Now there is human contact and warmth and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s nice, but it’s not how I’m wired anymore. Sometimes, I ask myself, do I really want this or do I need a hug? It’s a very similar script to those who use food for comfort: are they really hungry, or do they really want something more? (Note: It’s not all Bob’s fault on this one. A good portion of it is that I was very, very naive. Some of the things he wanted were perfectly normal, but I had no idea they were expected in a marriage. I didn’t know how to perform, and I felt uncomfortable. Where he went wrong was the constant pressure he put on me to perform and how often. Stuff didn’t get weird until close to the end.)

And at first, I had a VERY, VERY difficult time trusting Steve when he was gone. Things in that area have improved much with time, but I still find myself paranoid that he is telling me one thing and doing another just like what happened last time. I do have some major trust issues. When he’s out, I wonder if he’s really where he says he is or doing what he says he’s doing. If a girl calls, I have to tell myself that he’s not Bob. I am very confused about the subject of porn, too, but find it difficult to discuss it with anybody. I honestly don’t know what is normal. I know there is a wide range. I know the statistics. But I don’t know what is normal for me, even. I became used to doing things I didn’t really want to do, so now that I actually have a better choice, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to decide for myself what I like and what I don’t.

Tags: emotional abuse, marital rape, religious abuse, spousal abuse

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 4th, 2009 at 2:51 pm and is filed under Life Today. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.