I’ve said before that I wish I had kept a blog from the time I separated from my husband. I did keep a journal of a few random thoughts, so I thought I would go ahead and post them now. These are copied directly from my journal, starting in January, and tapering off as life became a little easier.  I was not an atheist at the time, but I had just separated from my now ex-husband and had left the church. I was dealing with the fallout of divorce and spiritual confusion, trying to overcome the depression that had enveloped me during my time in the ministry, and pretty much having the worst year in my life.  These were handwritten, so they were pretty short. They’re also kind of cryptic because I was moving around a bunch, and didn’t know who might read it. Just know that they are my thoughts right after leaving the church, my husband, ministry, the vast majority of my friends; basically starting my life from scratch.

From 2008.

January 6

I tried so hard to be that person, but you just can’t be someone you’re not, no matter how much you want or try–at least not forever and not happily. Happily ever after can only happen if you are who you are.

January 7

It’s odd how exciting it is to dream, but how it is utterly terrifying to actually put it  in motion. It is much less scary to dream, andd to look forward to accomplishing that which you set out to do. Because once you take that first step, what comes in your head is no longer just the thought of hope, but the thought of failure.

January 9

I am a little bit older, a little bit sadder, and quite a lot wiser.

January 10

I am starting over: new year, new life. By Monday, the change will be complete. I just wish Julieanne hadn’t gotten caught in the crossfire. I miss her.

January 12

Thank God for second chances.

January 22

I want to ask why, even though I know there is no why, because I want to believe, if only for a moment, that there is a why so I can find the answer that doesn’t exist either.

January 26

Julieanne, when you are not with me, my heart is an open prairie–cold, vast, and empty without a tree in sight.

January 29

Did it really happen?

Probably.

But so what?

I’m fine.

Right?

February 6

Why is it that people don’t give a damn about you until you’ve already drowned? Looking back over public [Facebook] notes, I realize how depressed I used to be, and all of about five people cared at all, out of 120 who had access, and only one person really noticed. Then everything falls apart, and I get lots of people asking me what happened so they can go gossip to their friends. Well, they sure didn’t care about me before. Fuck them.

[I deleted about 30 of my Facebook friends after that. I kept the ones I didn't feel knew me well enough to say anything and the ones who I felt weren't judging me, but the ones that sent me emails that were very obviously fishing for the story, I deleted.]

August 15

My experiences this past year have not been fun, but they have changed me, shaped me. I caught a glimpse of my reflection today, and for the first time I noticed the little girl that was gone and the woman who had replaced her. I studied the eyes that once held nothing but hope, promise, and innocence; now filled with wisdom, compassion, and strength. I wondered for awhile if the loss of innocence was bad and decided no, it just made me older. They showed me that I still have a lot to learn, far to go, but I have come a long way.

Shortly thereafter, I started my blog! I became an atheist that October, I believe, though it may have been that November. The realization that I was an atheist came slowly, and I did not have just one “I’m an atheist!” moment like so many seem to do.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 5th, 2009 at 5:56 pm and is filed under My Story. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.