The thing I hate the most about this blog is that a few people in my area read it, and know the most intimate things about me when I barely know their name. It actually makes me feel very uncomfortable! Even the people I do know well enough to tell my story to now know everything going on in my life before I see them, so I have no clue what to talk about when I see them (except some of the things I don’t post. No, I don’t post everything!)

The thing I love the most, however, is the letters I get. Over the last couple of weeks, I have gotten a few emails, and they have all been great. No hate mail yet! I try to respond to all of them, but I confess that the last two I have received have left me completely dumbfounded in how to respond. I wouldn’t post others’ private messages here, but I will address a couple of things mentioned in the last one simply because it is something I get quite often in both comments and emails.

The most common theme that seems to run throughout comments and letters is some form “Did you really understand Christianity or did you leave because people hurt you so much?” It’s rarely meant as condescending and it is exactly what I was afraid people would think when I started posting all of this stuff. People are happy with their faith and feel bad that I did not have the same experiences. Of course they want me to have it, too. I’ve been there.

I’ve said here and there that my purpose in this blog is to write about the emotional stuff because so many other blogs post the intellectual stuff, but that I left Christianity because of the intellectual stuff. (I did leave the Baptist church because of the emotional stuff. While I would happily attend a Presbyterian-USA or Episcopalian church, I don’t think you could pay me to attend a Baptist church again for anything other than some sort of research purposes). I think what happened is still confusing for some people–it seems as if people think I left my husband and the church all in one fell swoop. Close, but not quite. Here is a timeline  of my journey that should hopefully help sort it all out.

A Timeline of My Life in the Ministry:

Fall, 2001: Thought I was called to become a missionary. Worth noting: I was very happy with my church, my faith, the whole shebang. This was probably the best time in my life for Christianity. This is where I wanted everyone to have what I had, and where I would respond to what I write the way many Christians respond to me now. Here is where I had it all, spiritually speaking.

Spring, 2002: Began feeling like God was testing me about my willingness to serve him on the mission field, but he really wanted me to be a minister’s wife. I decided to stay prayerful and open to his will for me and the ministry. Graduated from high school.

Fall, 2002: Began attending a Baptist college in Arkansas.

Summer, 2003: Spent the summer volunteering as an assistant youth minister in Jonesboro. I was the female counterpart to the youth minister, as we were both single. This summer is my only good memory of both ministry and the Baptist church. I’ve written a bit about this already, and there is more to come.

September, 2003: Met “Bob” (and Steve, actually, too).

October, 2003: A friend of mine is killed. I haven’t written a post about her, but I may. I really think that this coupled with a few other things in my life made me very open and vulnerable to allowing Bob into my life.

November, 2003: Bob and I began dating.

August 2004: Married Bob, a Baptist ministerial student

November, 2004: Began working at a Baptist church. My husband did part-time youth/music ministry

December, 2004: Attended a youth conference where Josh McDowell spoke. I bought some of his books and began reading them. I found the arguments horribly thought out and easily refutable. I began to question my faith. At the exact same time, (this youth conference was going to start a very long, downward slide) I started noticing how Christians treat each other. You get a very different view of church as a minister than you do as a congregant. I began questioning my faith intellectually, emotionally. I began to realize that ministry is more about serving man than God, and it is truly impossible in at least some situations to serve God the way it is outlined in the Bible (or at least interpreted in the Bible. Long story.) Went through a period of depression starting about here that lasted until about February or March, 2005.

July, 2006: My daughter was born. I was lonely and starting to get depressed again. We continued on! I was enthralled with Julieanne and I loved taking care of her. I pressed forward, waiting for Bob to find a full time ministry position.

Jan/Feb, 2007: We moved across the state so I could start a graduate counseling program. Bob went into full time ministry.

Spring, 2007: Moved away from my college friends and isolated from all family and friends with an infant, I became moderately/severely depressed. I was very uptight!

September, 2007: My evening out with Bob went terribly wrong.

October, 2007: We moved to the town I currently live after I told him I could not serve with him in a church anymore. I was exhausted, depressed, and could not take the pressures of ministry anymore, especially after what happened. I said we were no longer in a position where we could have any kind of spiritual authority over anybody. I was desperate to leave, but didn’t know how to work the logistics. In October, I attended a Presbyterian church I liked, but throughout this entire time, I am hearing arguments for and against religion. Mostly at this point, I attended church hoping it would increase my faith.

October 28, 2007: I didn’t care anymore about the logistics; I moved out for good and in with Steve who was going to help me get on my feet. I was only going to stay a couple of months, but we got along so well that I just stayed and we started “dating.” Very weird situation. Not very romantic and I absolutely hate telling the story.

November, 2007: My parents’ pastor called and griped at me for not being more active in church. I completely stopped going, though I still considered myself a Christian. I also decided not to go back to my counseling program in the Spring. Instead, I would start medical school pre-requisites. (FSM only knows if I’ll ever finish them at this rate!)

Summer, 2008: I want to go back to church, and Steve and I start attending an Episcopalian church. I liked it. I felt at home, even though I thought the fancy service was a bit over the top. But I just found myself not believing it anymore. I would still go back in support if Steve or Julieanne ever wanted to go.

September, 2008: I begin my blog. It was supposed to be an outlet where I could write about all of my life: divorce, faith, etc, but it kind of morphed into what it is now. It was originally called “My Life in the Blender,” but I deleted it after moving over here back in January or February. I think I had about 5 people following me at that time? Now I have it all in two blogs: this blog where I can talk about this kind of stuff, and my other blog that is pretty darn boring and mostly a journal of my family life right now. I didn’t figure that most people who read this blog care about the cute things my 2-year old says (and judging from the stats, they don’t!), so I split them.

September, 2008: Officially divorced from Bob!

November, 2008: Bob marries Beth

October/November/December 2008: I didn’t have just one moment where I said “I’m an atheist!” During this time, I became convinced that there was simply not enough proof to mold my entire life to fit a god who probably wasn’t there, and I slowly let it go. I tried on the label “atheist” for size. I put it on, I took it off. I prayed. I begged God to take it away. But he didn’t. I kind of came to the conclusion that if he was out there, he must really not want me, all the vain praying for faith I was doing! Eventually, I tried it on and kept it. It all happened over this three month period. If you read my earliest posts, you can probably see hints of all of this, though I was not nearly as open about everything as I am now. (I was too scared that if I said I was feeling like an atheist, I would become an atheist, and then I would go to hell!)

May, 2009: Steve and I are legally married (for various reasons), but we are saving getting married socially for 2010 or 2011. We will have a wedding of some sort, though it was going to be offbeat originally, and now even more so. Thank you, economy!

And that is how I became an atheist! (With quite a few things happening in between, which is what I write about the most!)

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