When It Isn't Well With My Soul
Thursday, May 28th, 2009
I ran across this and thought I’d share. I wrote it March 7, 2007. I was still a minister’s wife, still a Christian, still about 18 months away from atheism, and had been struggling with my faith for several years. I had a brief window where it felt like it was starting to get better, and that is when I wrote this. I often wish I had started blogging earlier, so I could really look back and see where life has taken me, but I suppose occasionally posting essays and journal entries I wrote will work, too.
I know I am probably in the minority when I say I love old hymns. I actually like them better than a lot of the newer praise songs I hear on the radio. Sorry, I just don’t see how it is all that hard to write three words with three chords and repeat them over and over. They are nice the first time, but it doesn’t take long for me to want to scream every time I hear them. Not to mention that a lot of them make everything sound so easy!
Unfortunately, I don’t really agree with a lot of the hymns. Apart from some terrible doctrine (I’ve got a mansion, just over the hilltop–where exactly does it say that in the Bible????), sometimes it gives a pretty pathetic view of what being a Christian is all about. Take, for example, “Since Jesus Came into My Heart.” I like the bouncy tune. I even like the words sometimes. But after a difficult week that leaves you reeling, maybe even questioning God’s existence, the Pollyanna-ish message can make you feel like you missed something, because you have been anything BUT happy since Jesus came into your heart!
One exception seems to be “It is Well with My Soul.” The guy who wrote it had just had a very Job-like year. I totally admire the strength of those words. But what a lot of us don’t know is that the same dude died in the desert thinking he was Jesus. So what do you do when it isn’t well with your soul?
I don’t really have a good answer. For the last few years, I have struggled so hard with my faith and everything that goes along with it. There have been many days, weeks, and even a couple months here and there that I was completely ready to give it all up. There have been many, many occasions where I have begged God to help me have more faith, to help me seek Him, to help me WANT to seek Him. I have prayed for hope, for forgiveness, for some attention! And I felt I was praying to the wall. I thought something was wrong with me, that I had sin in my life, or whatever. I questioned everything.
And now, to make a long story at least a little shorter, I am glad to have gone through all that. I think God let me for a few reasons:
1. To make my faith real
2. (The big one) So we both know that I am completely, 100% serious about truly wanting a relationship with Him.
3. I did change a LOT of my beliefs. And I am so glad I did!
4. To have more sympathy for those around me who are also struggling. Before, I didn’t really. I always had the answer. Now, I am totally okay with being wrong or not knowing something. Or even if I do, to just keep my mouth shut sometimes.Is everything all better? Yes and no. I am actually reading my Bible again! But I do still struggle, especially with faith. There are a lot of good reasons to believe in God, but there are a lot of reasons not to, too! So why am I writing this? I don’t really know. I just wanted to share. I do feel like things are taking a turn for the better. God is definitely working in my life again, and for someone who has been struggling for the last several years with God’s silence, that is exciting to me. And I wanted those others out there who may read this who are struggling to know that there is hope. I have been praying for faith for the last 4 years. God said if we seek, we will find, but he never said it would be right away! That is something major I have definitely learned.
Tags: atheism, Christianity, Horatio Spafford, It is Well
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May 28th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I too loved the old hymns. I HATED the praise chorus crap. The EOC has some great music and that was one of the things about the EOC that gave me another couple years of “faith life”.
Nowadays I’m actually picking up more classical pieces. Even added a few French and Italian songs to my tiny repertoire.
December 30th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Sorry to learn that you have turned aside from your earlier faith. I don’t know you, but I do pray that the Lord will lead you back to Him. Joni Eareckson, in one of her books, exclaims, “Thank You, Lord, for the faith to doubt!” And I think she’s saying that it’s okay to have doubts and questions. The Lord loves us all the same.
As a student of hymnology, I was especially interested in your comments on hymns–that you find some trite and unrealistic. And yes, there are some really bad hymns–both new ones and old ones. “Mansion Over the Hilltop seems to reflect an acquisitive desire for all the material benefits of heaven. (Real as they are, that will hardly be our first concern when we get there!) But Ira Stanphill’s song relates to a particular incident in his life. It makes more sense when you know it. You can learn about the background here on my daily blog on hymns…
http://wordwisehymns.com/2010/02/14/today-in-1884-luther-bridgers-born/
Rufus McDaniel’s “Since Jesus Came Into My Heart” describes to the new joy and fresh perspective of one who has just come to faith in the Saviour. It is quite realistic, when seen in that light. However, that does bring up a further point. Some hymns and gospel songs appeal to us at certain times, and not at others. Or when we are in a particular mood, and not when we feel otherwise. That’s understandable. Scripture is the same. For example, some Psalms strike a strong chord in us when we are going through circumstances that parallel those of the psalmist. Other times, it is another passage that means more to us.
Good comments, though. And I agree with you about Horatio Spafford’s “It Is Well.” Great song. I’ve sung it as a solo many times.
Last word: Don’t give up on God; He hasn’t given up on you.
January 24th, 2010 at 1:57 am
Ever since I was a little girl I struggled with the image of heaven with its streets of gold and every body getting a mansion mumbo jumbo. Telling us to be humble and pious in this life so we get splendor and riches in the next is not much different than suicide bombers being promised 72 virgins. It’s bribery, extortion. Be good little children and you’ll get a treat.
Almost ALL of my christian friends, even the intelligent ones, say they find my view of religion and the world to be sad. They see my disbelief in the after life as a hopeless view of the future. But come on! I find it more sad when people worry constantly over whether they are being good and humble enough in order to keep the jolly man in the sky happy so that EVENTUALLY, when they die, they will be innumerably rewarded. I’m sorry, but I think me living for the moment, and treating each breath I take as though it could be my last, forever, just makes me appreciate the beauty of my present life all the more. If there is an afterlife, fine, but if there isn’t, at least I will not have wasted my only time alive with baited breath.
I do like hymns though, and children’s bible songs (I am a c-h, I am a c-h-r-i, I am a c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n!), and I love bible stories. Bible stories are more deranged, deplorable, devious, and delectable than all the daytime soaps put together!!
February 27th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
IMO one of the most interesting hymns is “How Great Thou Art”. Elvis did a great version of this and it’s quite moving. However, when you read the lyrics the question which comes to mind is, exactly who is this being sung to — and why? It might be more truthful if it was written as “How Great WE Art”, since it seems intended to puff up the singers, not the object of the song!
As for Aridawn’s comment about suicide bombers being promised 72 virgins, I have no problem with that. They’re all up there waiting for the terrorists. Here’s a picture of a sample selection:
http://symonsez.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/nunswithguns.jpg