The Most Harm, Part Three: The Fallout
Friday, March 13th, 2009
(Notes: For part one of this post, click here. For part two, here. Again, I apologize for the choppiness of the writing. There is simply too much of it to highlight the interesting parts and still write smoothly without writing a book, and frankly, if I was going to write that much, it would be a book so I could get paid to do it! 
)
The Most Harm, Part Three: The Fallout in the Christian Community
I finally found the courage and left my husband. The hardest part of leaving was telling my family and friends that our marriage had dissolved.
I told my mother. She cried, but supported me. I knew she would tell people as she saw fit and did not take it upon myself to spread the news when I was still trying to get on my feet. To this day, my father and I have not exchanged one word about it.
Word did spread. A few weeks later, I received a phone call from my parent’s pastor. Without a “hi, how are you doing,” he launched into a thirty minute lecture where he grilled me about the reasons I left my husband, my sex life, and my faith. Some highlights of the conversation include the part where he told me “Now, you claim to be a Christian, and I am going to tell you how to act like one whether you like it or not.”
At another point, he asked me about whether or not I attended church anymore. “Yes,” I told him.
“Does the pastor know about your situation?”
“No, I just got there. I haven’t even met him.”
“You should talk to him about it.”
“I don’t think I would be comfortable with that.”
“Well, then what are you doing there?”
“I’m trying to heal,” I said.
“You don’t need to heal. You need to get back out there.”
After that phone call, I did not attend church again for five months, when I attended a very liberal Episcopalian congregation for awhile. I put his phone number in my address book under the entry “Jesus Police” in case he called back.
Another lady I had known and respected my entire life sent me several emails condemning my actions. She told me she could not think of a reason why it would be okay for me to leave my husband. Many months later, she wrote and asked me for forgiveness, which I gave, but our relationship was irreparably damaged.
I received multiple emails from my Christian classmates I had not talked to in years that followed some form of this format: “Hey, how are you? I heard about you and Bob. What happened?”
And the rest of what I heard from the conservative Christian community was silence.
Except for one friend. She heard the news and said, “Oh, Laura, I am so sorry! Why don’t you come out with me for some coffee, and we’ll catch up. You can talk about it if you want to, but you don’t have to. Just let me be there for you.” I am still very grateful for this.
Over time, wounds scarred over and I forgave many people for their hurtful responses. I only post them now to show what it’s like to be part of a Christian community when you do something they don’t like. How they kick you when you are down. How they take what’s left of your shattered heart and shatter it some more, then tell you it’s all your fault it’s broken.
I still refuse to set foot in my parent’s church. It used to be mine, too. I grew up in that church. They gave me beautiful wedding and baby showers when I got married and had Julieanne. They sent me cards when I attended college and left the country for a mission trip. When I got divorced, they gave me showers of silence and judgment. I had known some of those people for nearly 20 years, and nothing hurt worse than that.
(For more on how to actually be helpful to someone going through a divorce, check out this post.)
Click here for part 4.
Tags: abstinence, Christians and divorce, divorce, marital rape, religious abuse
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March 13th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
[...] Christianity, religion, True Love Waits by lauradee24 (Note: You may want to read parts 1, 2, and 3 before reading this post.) Counting the Ways Religion and Biblical Principles Wreaked Havoc Instead [...]
March 13th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Are these religious people totally insane? Your husband raped, and set you up to be sexually assaulted by someone else as well, and the church people think it’s somehow your fault for leaving, Lauradee??
This judgmental pastor persumes to past judgment, and lecture, rather than offer His unconditional love, and support??? Does this sound like what Jesus would do?
Lord have mercy!! I’m sure if I thought this was “Christianity,” and what it actually means to be a follower of Jesus, I wouldn’t be a Christian either.
I’m so very sorry.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Reading your situation was extremely moving. I am sorry you had to go through that essentially alone. I wish I could say you were unique in that regard, but it seems to be a common denominator in deconvert’s tales.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
well, in their defense as far as that goes, they didn’t know. I didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t. I eventually started telling the story, but never the whole thing. It’s very difficult to talk about, even now well over a year later. And most definitely not an appropriate story to tell the little old ladies at church. Usually, if I am telling someone conservative, I just say that he wanted me to have sex with other people, then end the story there. And if they are very conservative, I just say he lied to me about porn use and the number of sexual partners he had before we were married–with the verse in the Bible about committing lust just by thinking it, that tends to be good enough for them. I tell the truth, just not the whole truth. I don’t think it’s any of their business and don’t feel compelled to tell just everybody. I did now because I know there are other people out there in my situation, or something similar. But those that I *know* have never been in my situation, or I feel would judge me for some reason or another, I keep it to myself.
And this part goes to Zoe, too:
There is also a little more to it–I only told about 95%, and I have to admit that the 5% I didn’t say absolves Mark of much of the responsibility and adds some responsibility onto me–how much just depends on who you are and how you look at it. Maybe I’m crazy and maybe it’s just because we are still friends, but I actually see Mark as somewhat a victim, too. I didn’t withhold the 5% to be dishonest; it just made the story incredibly complicated and I would have had to written a LOT more just to explain it. (Look at how much room I am taking up here!) It’s mostly just little details that don’t add to the story unless you’re Bob and then that becomes the story.
When it first happened, I blamed myself entirely. I felt SO guilty for leaving and hurting him that I just stepped aside and let him have absolutely everything, which I completely regret. Then moved into 50% of the blame, and now I assign myself about 10% of the blame, though I don’t know if that is too high or too low. Just an honest assessment. I am not trying to deceive anybody. I’m actually still friends with Mark, and because I left some of it out, I sent him a copy of it before I posted it. He and Steve really helped me leave, and he even helped me out financially for awhile.
(note: I have edited this comment several times, so sorry if someone is reading it and it keeps changing. I have never explained the story before, so I keep modifying it as I remember it or think of something new to add.)
March 14th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I think you must be a very kind, and forgiving person, Lauradee.
December 14th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Oh my gosh, Lauradee.
All I can say is that I’m glad you found strength to leave both your husband and the Christian faith. Your story is a clear example that it is all pure BS.
Jesus is supposed to be there for the downtrodden, but it is the church and its people who downed you, kicked you around, and left you there bleeding to die.
Efe them.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:50 am
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this story. I am so sorry that you experienced that.
I’d also like to point out that, regardless of whatever the 5% of the story is that you’re leaving out, unless you explicitly consented to your husband’s actions, and his friend’s, you were raped. It is NOT your fault. It doesn’t matter if you drank, if you announced you thought his friend was hot, if you confessed to having fantasies of a threesome. Without your explicit, enthusiastic consent, it’s rape. Please don’t blame yourself for it – you didn’t do anything wrong. The deciding factor in this situation was not you, it was the presence of men who didn’t care enough about you to get your explicit consent to what they wanted to do, and were perfectly comfortable assaulting you. You absolutely did NOT deserve this.
January 30th, 2010 at 5:13 am
I’m an “unregistered fundie troll/lurker” at FJ and I found the link to your site after reading on the board about Bethany T and you’d left some comments on her posts. Anyway, I just wanted to say as a part by default of the fundamentalist group as a whole who condemned you so harshly – that you get NO condemnation or judgment from me in your actions! Your story is heartbreaking and I just want to reach through the screen, hug you, and tell you it will be OK, but who am I to do that but just another anonymous user on the www?
My heart is just broken over the fact that you own husband turned you away from the Lord, and whether you want them or not, my prayers are with you. I pray that you’ll find Him again, in the right context, and in the right time. All Christians aren’t the same…NO that’s wrong. All CHRISTIANS “are” the same. Those you encountered…who harmed you physically, emotionally, and spiritually were not Christians. I hope you hear the honest love for you and your situation in my comment, and well that’s all I have to say.
Sarah