The Most Harm, Part Four: Summary and Final Thoughts
Friday, March 13th, 2009
(Note: You may want to read parts 1, 2, and 3 before reading this post.)
Counting the Ways Religion and Biblical Principles Wreaked Havoc Instead of Peace on My Life:
1. Fleeing from sexual immorality helped me flee right into the arms of a man that did not love or respect me and ended up abusing me. I am not the only one. Mary Winkler became famous when she killed her husband, saying he abused her. In the ministry, I always heard about the high rates of depression in minister’s wives, but I could never find it when I looked for support. We were all so used to slapping a smile on our face, some of us had forgotten how to be genuine when we could be. I also hear many stories from preacher’s kids that talk about abusive fathers, but I don’t ever hear their wives speak out either. Is there a higher rate of abuse in the ministry? I don’t know. I would believe it if it was, but I don’t have any statistics.
2. Being told that no matter how good I was, it would never be good enough for God (and later in the ministry, good enough for anyone) made me focus on all of the negative things about myself. I still struggle with believing I am worth anything to anyone. It is still new and amazing to me that people like me. But why not? I am a nice person! I was then, too. Why the difference?
3. In a Southern Baptist church, the pastor’s wife is strongly encouraged to stay at home and support her husband. Many churches understand when women can’t, but there is still that pressure much of the time. Doing this led to a lack of resources when I needed to leave. The lack of resources made it impossible to fight for my daughter, and I had to settle on joint physical and legal custody. I was a stay at home mother. I cannot even begin to describe how agonizing it was, and still sometimes is, to go from seeing her 24/7 to every other week.
4. The sheltered life I led in obedience to God was a set up for failure one way or another. The Bible encourages us to be “wise as serpents, innocent as doves,” but the kind of wisdom you need to handle a situation such as the one I was in comes only with some sort of experience. You can’t have both. The lack of understanding about how men can be (because my mother was pretty innocent herself and my father never had the guts to talk about guys to me at all), the lack of sexual experience, the lack of drinking experience–those are three major factors that led to what happened. In Bill Gothard’s world, parents are supposed to be the “umbrella of protection” that helps keep a child from making bad choices. If the child listens to his/her parents, they can avoid making terrible mistakes, such as marrying a person that is not right for them.(That is a bit simplified.) But if your parents are too innocent themselves, you have a very small umbrella in a very rainy world.
5. Women are supposed to be submissive to their husbands. To some, this means obedience, to others, simply yielding. The outcome is the same, however. Submission was so ingrained in me that I didn’t say anything while it was happening. I didn’t even say anything the next day. It took about a week before I fully realized what had happened.
6. I am still naive and too trusting of people. I don’t notice when someone acts just a little creepy, and I am overly nice and polite to people who are probably less than worthy. While I would not say I am entirely gullible or stupid, I do tend to believe the best in people. That can be a good thing many times, but it has its drawbacks, too, as I tend to believe the best in people even when they have proved to be untrustworthy. I still am stupid enough to believe my ex husband sometimes, even though he has done little but deceive me. He is good at manipulation, though, and has very little problem convincing me that he is a victim or really a good person. I get confused easily. I used to be a good judge of character, but I think that is no longer true. Not after what he did and others have done.
7. I can’t describe the emotional damage looking for a god who isn’t there can cause.
8. When you are trying to get to heaven and trying to look like a good Christian because people will judge you if you do not, there is such a loss of community. Everyone concentrates on the plastic smile instead of truly caring what is on the inside. I feel more community with the people who comment on my blog than I ever felt in church, and it’s not like I didn’t try to be open and honest. All of my feelings, however, were first filtered through the Bible. Now that I don’t have that filter, other non-religious people I talk to just look at my heart. It is so freeing. It makes me feel protected and safe.
True love waits, for a little while
There is nothing more damaging to a young person than the mantra of “True Love Waits.” While some marriages turn out just fine, it seems to me that more people find themselves trapped in mediocre, unfulfilling relationships waiting for a crown in heaven to make up for the pain. Their children learn to have substandard expectations for marriage. While ample evidence exists to support avoiding sex during the teen years, there is also good evidence to show that abstinence only until marriage doesn’t work. When I did have sex for the first time outside of marriage in the context of a committed relationship, I was surprised: none of the things that they said would happen happened. I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t find my relationship suddenly shattered. I felt relaxed. Suddenly, I could focus on who the person was instead of what I wanted to do to them! I realized that sex can blind you to who the other person is whether you are having it or not. It made our relationship stronger. I know not everyone turns out like that, but for me, I could have saved myself a ton of heartache if I had just had sex before I was married. Yes, there are people who don’t even kiss before they are married and have wonderful relationships. But it’s such a gamble! There are also people who only date for a month and have good marriages, too. That doesn’t mean it is wise. Something that is so vital to the relationship later in marriage should not be left to chance. You shouldn’t gamble on sexual thoughts and attitudes anymore than than you should gamble on a person’s temper or personality. Better to find out that you are not sexually compatible before you tie yourself legally to a person for the rest of your life.
The Most Harm
It has been a long, hard road over the last couple of years. I have, for the most part, forgiven. I take my life as it is now and embrace it. I still get angry, and there are times I have to forgive all over again. I hug my daughter when I see her, and I am nice to my ex husband and his new family when I see them. Then I go home and hug Steve and feel so grateful that I was able to get out while still young enough to not have wasted my life. With important lessons learned, new dreams constructed, I am living life the best I can with as little bitterness as possible.
We can count the number of people that have died due to religiously motivated wars. We can count the number of people whose rights have been taken for solely religious purposes. But we can never measure the damage it has caused. We can never count the broken hearts. We can never count the number of lives built on lies. We can never measure the amount of physical, mental, and verbal abuse it has caused. We can never count the loss in intellect, the scientific leaps we could have made. We can never count the number of people whose lives have been destroyed by such a well-meaning group of people. Yes, religion can be good, but we must ask ourselves if it is worth it. The most harm is not in what is seen, but in what is unseen.
Julieanne and me now.
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March 13th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
“Women are supposed to be submissive to their husbands.”
You know, sometimes I just have to say: “fuck that shit.”
Meanwhile I am so glad that obedience was not in my marriage vows.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
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March 13th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I think you have brought up a really good point here, about people, especially in ministry, feeling that they need to always live up to these expectations, “slapping a smile on.” It’s just so wrong, and harmful.
Freedom in Christ means this freedom from condemnation, and being able to live authentically. I mean Scripture actually says things like, “Confess your faults to each other, and pray for one other’s healing.”
I’m typing randomly now, just sharing my thoughts. But, even this whole deal about submission is actually talking about a mutual submission, looking to one another’s interest in the body of Christ, and in marriage. And, of course husbands are to love their wives, and give to them as Christ loves the church, and gave Himself for her.
I think somehow through human brokenness, and fallenness this has all gotten twisted around to give some men a license to be abusive, and exploitive. And, sadly, women are culturally conditioned in some of these authoritarian, almost cultish situations really to enable that.
In all fairness, I’ve worked as a social worker in secular situations, where non-religious men can be just as bad, if not alot worse. And, I”ve also heard many testimonies, and seen where faith has enhanced, even helped to save people’s marriages.
I’ve had all boys, and I can tell you that as a Christian mom, I’ve counseled them to let their physical intimacy with a young woman match the level of caring, responsiblity, and real committment that is actually there in the relationship, and to respond to her with respect.
In my denomination, things such as alcohol and tobacco use are not really an issue, other than concern for health, and not to abuse alcohol, or drugs of course.
But, I’ve had Christian friends, and been in study, and fellowship with folks where this is truly a huge deal to them. They would almost judge someone not to be Christian over external things like having a glass of wine, listening to contemporary rock music, dress styles, even things like tatoos, or jewelry piercing, etc. It seems almost a legalistic, cultish kind of thing to me really, and is alien to the freedom I think we have in Jesus Christ. I feel at the heart of it all is probably fear, and spiritual immaturity, this need to control.
I’ve noticed that very often when their young people leave home, and go away to school, they just kind of go totally wild. It’s sad, and sometimes hard to know how to help.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
“I’ve had all boys, and I can tell you that as a Christian mom, I’ve counseled them to let their physical intimacy with a young woman match the level of caring, responsiblity, and real committment that is actually there in the relationship, and to respond to her with respect.”
I love this, even as a non-Christian mom. I find myself completely unprepared to know how to teach my own daughter about it as I only had the “True Love Waits” type of education. This is not dogmatic or preachy, but teaches responsibility and forethought. Thank you for the unintended suggestion.
Thanks for your feedback, too. I thought of a lot to respond to, but didn’t want to write a book so I just picked my favorite.
March 14th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
You’re more than welcome, Lauradee.
March 14th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Hi Laura – I relate a lot to what you wrote here. I wrote about my own history & experience with sex on my blog – if you’re interested. Sounds like we had similar realizations… http://slapdashgal.blogspot.com/2007/10/sex-entry.html
March 15th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Please take a moment to drop by my blog and lend some of your perspective to my “convince me” project. A quick perusal of your blog makes it abundantly clear you would be a good person from which to hear. Thanks!
May 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Any relationship where one partner is supposed to be submissive or obedient to another has the hallmarks or trouble. I think NotreallyAlice hit the nail on the head there “Fuck that shit” indeed. As an atheist guy i can’t think of anything more creepy and undesireable than a girlfriend or wife that doesn’t consider herself my equal. I’m superior to my pets, not my partners.
I think religion ruins sex by building it up into this huge thing that it isn’t, saving yourself for marriage seems like a bad idea. What if you find out your partner is crap in bed only after you marry? I much prefer to educate children, as young as possible with thorough sex ed, including birth control, veneral diseases, pregnancy, the whole lot. Then let them go and do as they will (while stil looking out for them, buy them a pack of johnnies if you think they are having sex, talk with them).
Sex should be an enjoyable thing to share between two (or more) people, not some mystical union of love. Its like drugs or booze. Both can be enjoyed sensibly and with very few side effects. But people get worked up into this frenzy about them which leads to vile nonsense like the war on drugs (epic fail) and drug education where you can’t tell a child that actually, the vast majority of cannabis users smoke rarely, enjoy it and suffer no side effects.
The experiences you had were horrific, your ex husband is clearly a scumbag of the highest order. You did the right thing getting away from him.
As for the pain searching for god, it makes me wonder exactly what goes on in the heads of those christians who do remain devout. How can they ignore the counter evidence, how can they ignore the vast gaping holes in the theology, do they just avoid thinking about it? If so, how? It boggles my mind, it really does.
Final comment, thats an ace photo, you kid is as cute as a button.
May 28th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Ah, I followed similar advice (the one Grace suggested and you seconded) about having sex for the first time and ended up being burnt by the female later because she was not as committed to me in the long-run. Oh well, that’s life but I don’t regret following said advice, especially the part about responding with respect, which is where I most likely screwed up a small bit.
I agree with Gribble about the photo of you and Julieanne, it definitely solicited a pronounced “awh” from me when I saw it.
May 28th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Thanks for the aw. I think she’s pretty cute myself, but I’m prejudiced.
May 28th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Yeah, the church always makes not having sex sound like a magic cure-all to having a great relationship. It’s not; it just makes it a very frustrating objective to keep the hormones in check, especially when everything else is going so well.
I think it was also the timing. We started dating the spring of our senior year of high school and it only lasted until the beginning of the spring semester of our freshman year. Oh well, she wanted to date more people and go to more parties (she was at a different college) and I suppose the breakup gave me that freedom too. But it was painful…very painful. But like you said, I learned a lot from it and as of now, it is going a lot better in the relationship department.
No problem about the “aw.” It’s a great photo and you can definitely tell that you love your daughter a lot and I know you’ll do your best to keep her away from the draconian side of religion and superstition.
May 29th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I’m sure you’ve thought of this, and a public forum may not be the place to mention this, but how do you feel about your ex-husband having partial custody. Who is to say that now that you’re not there to abuse, he won’t take those tendencies out on your daughter? Minister or not, he is clearly a sick and sadistic person who is mentally ill. I’m so sorry and am so glad that you’re life has changed so much since you left both your marriage and the church.
May 29th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Well, yes, it is hard to give a thorough answer on a public forum so easily attributed to me that won’t come back to haunt me. I suppose the best way to answer your question for now is to say that I am as on top of it as I can be for now when she’s too young to really tell me anything.
While I have to be extremely careful what I say about him, I can say this freely. A year later, I still despise our custody arrangement. Mostly because it is so hard on her to swap back and forth and never have any say in where she goes. At first it was fine, but it is now starting to bother her. When she is school age, it will be a little better, or so the studies say, but while she is so little, having to adapt to two sets of rules and two separate ways of doing things is rough.
I am hoping I can address this a little bit more thoroughly in a later post.
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:57 am
Hi Laura,
I just emailed you, but that was before I finished reading these four posts.
I am absolutely HORRIFIED that you were treated that way by all those so-called “Christians.” I could write you a novel here but I’ll just stick to one of the things I feel I understand the best and have a lot of passion for. Oh, and it would help you to know that I’m a lover of God- not a “classic” conservative Christian, but a God-lover.
I’m kind of a unusual woman. I’m 19, and though I’m probably not quite ready for marriage yet, I *feel* ready and I’m also very eager to submit to my husband. Before you start biting your nails for me, let me explain what I have learned the Bible means by “Wives, submit to your husbands.” That phrase alone is a recipe for disaster, as you experienced firsthand. That’s why Paul follows it with, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” In other words, husbands are suppposed to love their wives with a self-sacrificing love. They are supposed to be ready to give up their lives for their wives. Then, and only then, will it work for a woman to submit to her husband. That does NOT mean that the woman does everything the man says. Trust me, if it did, I’d definitely be like, ‘Screw that! I’m independent and strong. I don’t need a stinkin’ man telling *me* what to do!’ No no, it doesn’t mean being a doormat at all.
What it really means (and this is a loose paraphrase of what I learned from an amazing woman of God with her Masters in Theology), is that as the husband lays down his life for the woman- lays down his dreams, desires, and independence- in favor of *loving* his wife, the wife then should also lay down her dreams and desire for control & independence in return for her husband’s love. It’s like a never-ending competition to love your spouse more than he loves you; because what is love if not putting someone else’s needs above your own? Submitting to your husband only works if he first loves you sacrificially as Christ loved the Church.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your new husband. My guess is you probably submit to him without realizing it. The balance of love and submission is what makes all healthy marriages tick.
Anywho, I hope that’s helpful! I’m loving your blog and your daughter, as the others have said, is adorable!!
June 6th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I once had a newly married christian friend ask me how I got my wife to obey me. I told him I didn’t. My wife and I are happy because I let her be who she is. Besides, I can hardly control my own life. Why would I want to control my own life and someone else’s too? Like the song says: Hold on loosely. We’ve been married for about 7 years now and we’re still happy, I suppose. I’ve never cheated on her and if she has, I want to stay blissly ignorant of it. :0
I had a horrible experience in my early twenties dating a woman from church. It left me frustrated, confused and just plain angry as hell. That wasn’t my deconversion moment, but it sure started me on that path.
October 31st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I love redheads and you are a hot one indeed!
November 6th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Lauradee, I applaud your courage in telling your story.
I applaud your wisdom in how you handled, and continue to handle, those who seek to pile guilt upon you. (Morons!)
I applaud your sensitivity in the way you tell your story.
I applaud your honesty.
Dear (I am an older woman and say this tenderly as if you were a beloved daughter), Dear Sweet One, what I wish for you is this: that you stop taking ANY blame for your ex-husband’s deplorable behavior and actions.
You are a survivor.
You have survived spousal abuse – physical (rape and gang rape), emotional and spiritual. What your husband did to you is NOT negated because he did not actually land a punch on your body.
Have you seen the classical Violence Wheel? I have had a difficult time finding a wheel that is not too blurred, but if you search “Violence Wheel” you will find other versions. This one shows clearly that you were able to escape prior to being physically hurt further (although, how much further could you have been hurt than the abuse of trust by your then-husband’s despicable treatment of you!) http://www.womencareshelter.org/facts/wheel.html. What you endured surely IS considered abuse and surely could have led to further physical harm.
In my reading of your testimony, I understood that what you endured was not something of your own fault in any way. I also understand that, had you stayed and endured physical bruises, you would FEEL more justified in stating that you were an abused spouse. But, Dear, just because the bruises were not visible, does not mean that they were not inflicted. You DID suffer abuse. Horrid abuse.
Why do you feel that your getting drunk equates with agreeing to being sexually assaulted? Your getting drunk simply equates with getting drunk. Your taking a few drinks does not say to your husband that you give him permission to negate his wedding vows. A good man, an honorable man, would have protected his wife’s virtue in that situation.
You ex-dh is an abusive, wicked and evil man. He’s a coward. To take his beautiful, young, innocent wife and treat her as he did is abusive. And.you.are.not.to.blame.
You, Dear One, are a survivor. And I applaud you.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Laura, I can’t tell you how touched and disturbed I am by your story. I hope you don’t mind, but in future if anyone asks me what harm religion does, one of the things I’ll do is point them to this series of posts. I’m amazed by your bravery, I think there are a lot of people who went through a similar kind of disillusionment, but since their entire community and support network is based in the church, they can’t leave, they’ve got nowhere to go! I myself was brought up in a fairly strict Catholic family (weird, since my dad was actually an atheist…), and I left the faith when I was 17. Sometimes it’s treated like the family’s dirty little secret (I’m pretty sure most people at the church don’t know, for example. I moved away to university soon after). There are still people who won’t talk to me because I left.
When will these groups realise that abstinence is a bad idea?! In an increasingly secular Britain, it was difficult for my parents to drill that idea into me because I knew it was a bad idea! I knew that sex wasn’t something evil. I wonder if I’d have known if I had my TV access restricted.
The doctrine of abstinence has other consequences too. Look at Africa, where missionaries are trying to control the spread of HIV with abstinence instead of condoms. Yes, abstinence is a good way to prevent getting AIDS, but it goes against human nature and it’s difficult to keep to. A much better approach would clearly be a mixture of the two, instead of spreading lies about condoms not working.
Regardless, it looks like Julieanne has got a better lot than you did. You should be proud.
November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
To The Red-headed critic,
Laura, I know it’s quite difficult to believe outrageous things other people have experienced when you haven’t experienced them yourself, but you are so bold to confess the crimes and offences that were committed against you, I feel you may be open enough to receive what I have to say.
Ready for something that’ll completely defy your reality? I’m talking ‘turn your box upside down’ and shake it so hard you’ll have to hold on for dear life to stay where you’re at? Here goes: I have been outside of this temporal dimension of reality. I have also perceived with the dormant, forbidden part of my ‘being.’ Then, after an even more significant event happened in my life, I saw not only an angel, but something more outlandish than I can even yet tell you.
The first experiences happened while I practiced an arcane sorcery called the Path of Knowledge. That teaching was brought to the attention of the world by Carlos Castaneda and began in the book, “The Teachings of Don Juan, A Yaqui way of knowledge.” The teachings of that path dealt with the hidden, elusive nature humans are as luminous beings. ‘What the heck is a luminous being?’ Firstly, it’s a creature of light. Lightning bright, fantastically dazzling beyond your imagination or comprehension, and totally off the scale in terms of perceptual ability. Think, a trillion times more perceptive than you or I are right now. And I perceived myself as a luminous being and also perceived with that luminosity. Secondly, I am no longer on that path. But if I perceived that and experienced that, why wouldn’t I stay there? That is the theme of this letter.
I was raised in Church. Well . . . er, sometimes. My parents brought me to Presbyterian, Protestant and later Lutheran churches . . . when it suited them. After one of them committed suicide, the one who was left never took us back. I thought I would never do drugs, but somehow, I got involved in it. To this day I don’t know what changed my mind. I got deeper and deeper into the drug scene until a freaked out paranoia set in and a dissonance with reality occurred. (Probably, I just did too many drugs, LOL.) When I came through that storm, I had found my cool. I could roll a joint while driving with a cop tailing me. (Pot was totally illegal back then.) I could talk my way out of a confrontation with police at 3AM in the morning higher than a kite on L.S.D. But I wasn’t satisfied. Gradually I began to feel I was missing something. The bedrock of that sense motivated me to want to make sure some part of “me” continued on after my body “died.” So I started searching. I delved into psychology, ‘positive thinking,’ the eastern religions and the martial arts, but nothing really hit the mark. Then one night when I was sitting around smoking pot with one of my roommate’s girl-friends, she told me I was a sorcerer. Exhaling pot smoke I said, “the Bible says all sorcerers are going to go to the lake of fire.” She shook her head and reaffirmed her convictions. Then she recommended I read Carlos Castaneda’s books on the Toltec Path of Knowledge. (They weren’t called that when they first came out but by book 5, that’s what they self explain.) Eventually I read the books. Coincidentally, immediately after reading the forth book, the fifth book, called ‘The Eagles Gift,’ came out. Which sealed the deal for me. When I finished that book I thought, ‘If this is true, it’s the best thing that could ever happen!’ Inexplicitly I prayed, “Lord, please don’t forsake me, but I’ve got to find out if this is true or not.” And with that, I dove in head first.
While on that path, I saw things impossible to see with our five natural senses. I did things that could only be described as paranormal. At the very end of my time practicing it, I deliberately left my body at my volition and saw a creature impossible to see in this normal world. But then, as He is wont, God intervened. I injured myself on a job-site, found myself homeless and wound up outside a Safeway at closing time helping one of its customers try to borrow a set of jumper cables. When that customer saw my derelict condition, he asked me where I was staying that night. And when he found out I had no place to stay, he invited me home with him. That night, we stayed up till 3AM in the morning—me talking about the path of knowledge and he talking about Jesus Christ.
The deal to stay there was I had to look for a job, not bring any drugs home and come to church with them. And they went to church . . . all . . . the . . . time! After about two weeks of hearing “. . . if you don’t have Jesus Christ in your heart and want to receive him, just put your hand up . . .” and feeling like someone grabbed my stomach and pulled it about two feet out of my body before letting it snap back in every time they said that, I thought, why not? I mean, if he was real, why not find out? I also figured if it was true, I’d be up the creek without a paddle if he was going to judge me and I didn’t get right with him. And if he really did purchase me when he died on that cross, he deserved to have me. And if God Almighty wanted to be my friend, I’d be a fool not to accept. Hanging like a caboose on the end of those three premises was the thought that if God was real, He’d reveal Himself to me. To me, coming from where I was, I didn’t doubt that for a second. And if it turned out he was real, I’d serve him. If he wasn’t real, I’d go back to what I had been doing.
Not two weeks after praying a ‘so-called’ sinners prayer I had what must have been a perma-grin on my face 24 hours a day. I finally realized he had done for me on a hill outside Jerusalem what I had been trying to do on my own—and now, not only did I have eternal life, but I was also going to heaven! On top of that, he began to give me a sound mind, courage and love.
Of all the people that went into that crazy little store-front church, I was the one they all thought was least likely to make it. I couldn’t hold a coherent conversation when I first showed up. The sorcery I’d gotten into had so undone me, I would have a conversation about five different subjects at the same time, but not finish a single one of them. But then God put me back together. Bit by bit, he established me. I went from a butt-grunt laborer to a sub-contractor framing houses grossing over $200,000 a year before the housing market imploded. But that’s not even the best. The best thing is that God out-did all the fantastical things I’d experienced on that counterfeit path and revealed himself to me not once, but seven times. Which is what’s so cruel about religion—religion is man doing things to get to heaven, when God has already provided the only thing that we can accept to get back to God—receiving Jesus Christ.
Which brings me to the question—what’s the difference with that and what you used to do? In short—His Spirit. If ‘we’ are the ones ‘working’ it can never work. Religious works are just that—man doing things. It’s significant because without His Spirit in us, He cannot perform the regeneration the Bible promises. Since when can anyone make themselves not die? Never! But by the Holy Ghost, we can be made alive unto God. If we receive His Spirit, then he can begin his work of regeneration, in us. Something I highly doubt was in operation in your ex’s life when he had someone else violate you against your will.
So without his Holy Spirit, we are dead, dried leaves and can never make it to heaven. For unless we have the Spirit of Christ, we are none of his. But Christ promised that rivers of living water would come out of our bellies. How? By his Spirit being in us. He promised that we would never thirst. How? Again, by his Spirit. And the fact that someone born-again could die of thirst mandates that this is spiritual water the Lord spoke of. Christ promised a Baptism of not only the Holy Ghost, but also of the fire of God. Why fire? To burn the dross out of our lives. And consider the dross as those things we have adopted of the world which clash against God’s nature. Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he has given us his Spirit. And with his Spirit, we can worship God. Whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him. I know that I know that I know I am in him. If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make are abode with him. That’s how we become one with God. If we didn’t receive his Spirit, none of us Christians would stick around. It would be totally useless to live for God if I didn’t have his Spirit to live for him with. So we have to become one with God. He can only work his life giving work in our lives if he is inside us. The prerequisite unconditional terms for God to give us Eternal Life is that he must be in us to do those works.
So the dead freeze-dried religious institutes you were once part of probably had no moving of his Spirit in them. It was all man-run organizations. How else would you explain your own missing relationship with Father God? For if you knew Him personally, surely you wouldn’t have walked away. And if no one behind any of those pulpits you lived around were filled with the Spirit, surely they could only teach you more dead works—a distraction keeping you from the One who alone has Eternal Life—Jesus Christ.
Laura, God revealed himself to me seven times. Personally—and I was able to receive these astonishing visitations at a fantastic level because of the things that had happened in my life when I wandered far from God. I know for a fact a hardened heart can never believe such a thing, but why else would I spend my time? It happened Laura. Besides which, everything in the Bible is true, though without Spiritual eyes, you can’t even see it. Not for a second. Not even the simplest of parables. As 2ed Corinthians 3:14-16-18 explains, if we try to see God with our fleshly or earthly mind and understanding, we can’t. Without his Spirit inside us, we are as blind to him as anything. But when we turn to the Spirit of the Lord, we become alive to him and the veil is taken away.
If you would like to find out how God revealed himself to me magnificently, radically and undeniably and what I saw, please feel welcome to visit my web-site and receive your own free copy of,
7 Visitations from God,
12 Revelations from Heaven.
By Kevin Hofsas
http://www.MarkMyWordsPublishing.com
Just follow the links.
God Bless you Laura, may you find the Peace which passes understand. In today’s jargon, we’re talking, infinite Peace. Bye!
November 24th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Wow. Putting all of this information out there is seriously brave of you, not to mention incredibly valuable for other women who may be in the same position that you were a few years ago. Thank you for that.
I grew up in rural Louisiana in a strict Southern Baptist family. And I also did all the True Love Waits crap in high school and dated a super religious guys who was on the track to being a youth pastor (and now is) in college. Thank Zeus we never married, because I imagine that would have been a historic disaster — especially since I really started to question my faith during that time and eventually settled on atheism.
Anyway, I love your blog and it’s always nice to commiserate with someone who’s traveled down the same skeptic path. Hope you keep writing.
-Lauren
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 am
Hi Lauradee,
You’re story is goose bumpy/hair raising to me as it is almost an exact accounting for the life I grew up in…and the experiences that I had. You are such a brave and courageous woman to have separated from the church and “restart” another life. The backbone and inner courage it takes to do that (especially while going through a divorce) is huge.
It has been 10 years for me since I separated from the church, and am finally in a relationship with a loving and caring man who I respect and trust….trust being the key word. As I was also raised with the belief that true love waits…i can remember many of the things I was taught as a girl growing up in the church….things such as…if you have sex before marriage…you will lose your “Ace in the Hole” (as if the only thing a woman has for power is sex/virginity).
I am now in my mid 30’s and so glad that I chose to break free of those belief systems…even if they seem like they are just simple beliefs…the damage that can be done emotionally to a woman’s personal power and self-respect is uncountable.
I too have done quite a bit of forgiveness and have come to a point of looking at my parents as emotionally stunted….and realized that they have done the best they could with the belief systems they have….belief systems they believe protect them.
I admire you raising your daughter to be an independent and confident woman. To me…that is huge…b/c you have broken the cycle.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Thanks, Rachel! Your comment made me smile.
I’m glad you’re getting your life put back together, too, and found someone who respects you for who you are.
December 28th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Laura,
I stumbled upon your blog tonight and wanted to drop you a quick line to say how much I have enjoyed your honest writing on marriage and religion. I was raised in a Southern Baptist household as well, with my father being a pastor for much of my childhood. Your stories have such an eery similarity to my own, and surely to many others out there.
Over the last couple of years, I have also made the journey to atheism. Nothing has done more to bring peace and meaning to my life than losing “faith” and beginning to think clearly about life and the things that are real. I’m really glad that you have the courage to share your experiences with others. I hope that you continue writing and that many others will find their way to your site.
Best regards,
Josh
December 28th, 2009 at 4:37 am
Thanks, Josh. Glad you stopped by.
December 30th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
This is a very poignant story. Thank you for sharing it with us. Please remember: there’s no such thing as a pain-free life. We all go through it, the best of us help others through it.
Peace.
Paul
January 13th, 2010 at 1:41 am
Just thank you – thank you for posting your story.
January 14th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Laura,
I would like to thank you for sharing. My parents aren’t pushy about their religion, but i also missed the sexual education and grew up with the thought that its best to leave sex to the “special person” who will be waiting for you. Even now I still feel that i somewhat agree with it even though it’s not what I truely believe.
Your story gave me goose bumps all the way and I cannot admire you enough for not becoming bitter. The end paragraph is so beautiful.
Thank you so much and good luck,
Ronald
January 16th, 2010 at 1:43 am
Hi Laura,
The first thing I read on your site was your blog about being humble and how conflicting it is to have a successful blog. After reading more of your posts, my feelings are that you don’t have to be perfect to be an inspiration. Especially on the non-theist side, i think most people don’t expect perfection (that is such a christian ideal). I think I know what you mean about being around people who aren’t looking at you through the filter of the bible but are just looking at you. I still get a warm fuzzy thrill whenever I find myself surrounded by people who are staunchly non-theist – it feels like such an atmosphere of honesty.
I also grew up in the Baptist church, the daughter of a tight-lipped and punitive deacon and a bitter, repressed mother. In hindsight, I accept that they did what they believed was best for me, but it was not an easy childhood. When I finally started to drift away from the church and religion in general, I began making a lot of mistakes due to naivete and an overwhelming sense of unassailable freedom. I’m still learning to live with these mistakes and not let them chase me in the shadows, but it’s difficult not to be bitter when I realize my parents could have prevented much of the damage by being honest with me about how life works.
Your writing vividly reminded me of something I realized a few months ago – I didn’t become an atheist because I saw god and couldn’t handle it, I became an atheist because I searched for god and couldn’t find him. Thank you for telling your story. I swear it’s like getting a hug to find someone who’s shared an experience similar to my own that I can relate to. I look forward to reading more of your writing when I have time (I just discovered your site and got sidetracked for at least an hour, and now it’s almost 3 a.m.
- Laura Riess