Surely Goodness and Mercy
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
It wasn’t all bad. I’m not the kind of person who likes to focus only on the negative–I have no qualms about pointing it out, but I like to keep some kind of balance in my life lest I remember only the negative things. For me, remembering only the negative turns into bitterness.
Okay, true, working in the ministry was mostly bad–between a miserable marriage and ministry itself, I have very few good memories of that era of my life. But I do have some wonderful Christian memories growing up. I do have good memories of Christians, believe it or not. Some of the fondest memories I have of Christian life occurred when I was doing ministry unattached in any way to a paycheck. Some of the people I knew really were wonderful, kind, caring people. The paycheck seemed to make the difference between seeing them as good and not good, and vice versa with their feelings on me. When I was doing volunteer ministry, pastors used me as an example of living the Christian life in sermons. When my husband started collecting a paycheck for it, I was actually doing more, but it wasn’t ever, ever good enough. Looking back, I do have many fond memories, but it ended so badly that sometimes, the good parts are easy to forget. I truly enjoyed my childhood for the most part–going to church and a Christian school keeps one pretty well insulated from the people that don’t live life the way you do.
Growing up, I attended a church I loved. We had many fellowships and get-togethers, and I truly enjoyed the company of the kids and teens my age. When I think of my childhood church, I think of watermelon in the summer and Christmas plays in the winter. I think of the friendships forged on the swing set and Fourth of July parties at my house on the Arkansas River.
In the end, those good memories just weren’t enough to maintain the lifestyle, and in some ways, I regret that. But I regret it the same way I regret no longer believing that if I just wished hard enough, I could fly like Peter Pan. In the way I regret no longer being a carefree child. It is the loss of innocence I sometimes regret more than the loss of belief. Even the Bible acknowledges that when you become an adult, you put away childish things. For me, religion became a childish fantasy, though I understand and acknowledge that it is very real for most of those who live it.
I don’t mean to ever imply that all Christians are bad. Christians have their faults, and plenty of them. Personally, I find a life outside of Christianity as an adult richer, more fulfilling, and closer to personal perfection. I love more, forgive more, and show genuine kindness more. I listen harder, live harder, and judge less.
Christian or no, surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life .
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March 10th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I’m glad you had a good childhood, Lauradee, and the religion was never used as an excuse to abuse you.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
well, not everything was rosy. But I was trying to be positive in this post!
March 11th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Second what Wolfhowl has shared, Lauradee!!
But, what do you think in your faith journey led you to become more judgmental, less loving, and forgiving? My personal experience has been very much the opposite, but I’ve heard this before, and have observed it myself in at least parts of the church.
Unforgiveness, and a critical, judgmental spirit would seem to me the antithesis of everything Jesus taught, so where do you feel this all comes from?
I also noticed on another blog, a man sharing that as a former Christian, he felt guilty all the time. To my mind, there is “no condemnation in Christ Jesus?” So, I wonder why these folks all felt miserable and guilty rather than unconditionally accepted, and loved? What do you think?
March 11th, 2009 at 12:45 am
Well, I don’t know how/when you became a Christian, but when you grow up in it, you hear every week how Christians have The Truth, and that everyone else is in the dark. You get a bit arrogant thinking you know all the answers while at the same time believing you’re humble because you admit you aren’t perfect. It is easy to judge those who don’t have The Truth. Along with that, you hear every week how good/true Christians behave and how it hurts God every time we have a mean thought or don’t measure up to perfection. “Do not grieve the holy spirit” kind of thing, and that inevitably leads to constant guilt if you buy it. Everyone thinks mean or lustful things occasionally. And if you are living a pious life, it is easy to judge those who do not, even if you don’t realize it. When I got married, I had never done drugs (well, that is still true!), never had sex, never been drunk, never fallen, never been broken enough to do any of those things. I thought, I can manage to live my life this way, why can’t so and so? And over time, that attitude eroded away, but it was only through my own shortcomings and failures that it did. And I found that the more that my judgmental attitude fell away, the more dissatisfied I came with the church who did continue to judge people and kick them when they were down. You know, like my parent’s pastor who called when I first separated from my husband and without knowing a single detail, proceeded to lecture me for 30 minutes telling me that since I proclaimed to be a Christian, he was going to tell me how to behave like one whether I liked it or not.
You have the stand up for your beliefs and expel the immoral brother taught by Paul. The Bible carries conflicting messages of mercy and love vs. those latter two things. I have not seen any judgmental, critical spirit in you at all, Grace. And I think I speak for many when I say you are the exception, not the rule, at least where we come from.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Wow, Lauradee,
You’ve taken the words right from my mouth. I’ll share something of my spiritual journey with you, too. Before coming to faith, I defintely had more this “works-righteousness” kind of mentality, too. I very much judged people based in performance, and thought everyone should simply be able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, so to speak. Humanly speaking, I was pretty moral, so I can relate to what you’re sharing. You know the parable of the pharisse, and the poor sinner who couldn’t even lift his eyes to heaven..Well, I was definitely that pharisee.
Imagine my shock when really hearing the gospel for the first time, and seeing my own fallenness, the brokeness that was there. I”m speaking theologically now, but I know you’ll be able to understand…. When I realized my need of a Savior, and saw the depth of God’s love, my whole arrogant, judgmental spirit was dealt this mortal blow. Plus, knowing that people were of infinite worth, and value being created in God’s own image made a deep impact down to my core.
I think I’ve also gained this greater repect, and appreciation for the natural world too, realizing all creation as sacred.
Of course, it seems to me that our spiritual growth is a life-long process, and none of us have arrived by any means. But, the other part of this for me has been coming to realize that we don’t even live the Christian life, so to speak, in our strength alone.
For me, it’s more a matter of relaxing into God, and understanding that Christ is also living His life in, and through me, rather than constantly feeling guilty, or worrying about not measuring up to some arbitrary standard, or the church’s opinion. There’s this freedom in God. I think it’s about, well, pure grace.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:15 am
(((Lauradee))) I also want to say that I’m so sorry for your hurtful experience in the church. They failed you big time.
Sadly,
Grace.
March 16th, 2009 at 6:02 am
[...] remember two distinct versions of my childhood. I remember the rosy part, of which I’ve already written. Sometimes, I remember the good parts. I remember long [...]
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:05 pm
I have some of the same memories of church as you. I vividly remember one fourth of July Sunday where one of my churches (I moved around a lot), an adorable, tiny little rural church had a very fun picnic barbecue. I was in my christian day care’s christmas pageant as Gabriel (I even had lines!). I remember jamming my head full of bible verses in order to recite them back to my teachers in AWANAS.
When I think of church, I always think about my lovely experiences when it came to the fellowship of my fellow parishioners.
I think the thing that is most sad about being an atheist is the lack of a community. My sister joined LDS because she loved the amount of instant friendships she formed just by attending church. I wish there was a secular fellowship I could find.