The response I received from people upon the announcement of my separation was absolutely terrible. These terrible responses ran the gamut from emails from people who had no idea what the situation was proclaiming that they could not see a reason where me leaving my husband was right in the eyes of God, a phone call from my parents’ minister who told me, “Well, you say you’re a Christian, and I am going to tell you how to be a good Christian whether you like it or not!”, all the way to people that I had known my entire life not saying one word to me. Not to mention the emails I received from people I had not spoken to in years who simply wanted “the scoop”!

I believe that people meant well. They just didn’t know how to respond, so they responded (or didn’t!) the best way they knew how. Unfortunately, they made an incredibly hard situation much worse! Even a year later, I still refuse to set foot in my parents’ church over it. Divorce is humiliating, especially in a conservative/fundamentalist Christian environment.  A person going through a divorce already feels like a failure in one way or another. People assuming that it was an easy decision, or trying to parent me when they did not even know why I did what I did made it even worse.  Several people told me they wanted to help me, to be there for me, but they couldn’t until I told them exactly what happened. What happened, though, was extremely personal and I did not want to share it with the world, especially when they already had a judgmental attitude. So what could they have done better?

One person did it right (and I am excluding my brother and a couple friends here with whom I did feel comfortable sharing the whole story because I was close to them. They also responded very nicely, rallying around me and supporting me. So please do not think I am forgetting you! This post is mostly about those who do not know me as well as you, but who do know me well enough to say something!) Without judgment, without a need to know The Truth, she exclaimed, “Oh, Laura, I am so sorry! Let me take you out to coffee! You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I will listen if you do want to talk. We can just sit together and catch up or talk about what happened. Whatever you want!” And she did! Guess what? I ended up telling her the story, too, because she cared!

Even if you don’t live close enough to a person to take them out for coffee or volunteer to babysit so they can sort through the muck of their life, or help however physically, you can send them a card or an email. Don’t say, “Hey how are you, heard about the divorce, what happened?” Say something along the lines of, “Hey, I heard about your divorce. I am really sorry! I know you must be going through a really hard time. If you want to talk, or if you need anything, let me know! I am here for you and will help you however I can!” That show of support that takes you 2 minutes to write will be forever remembered for them. We all fall. Tragedy strikes every one of us in one way or another during the course of our lives. Think about how you want people to respond to you. Even if you think it is all their fault that they are going through a hard time, remember that they have probably faced demons that you could never imagine. You never know what happened to a person to bring them to the point where they are.

Divorce is a hard decision. Never assume that someone made it flippantly or selfishly because you do not know what went on behind closed doors. A person going through a divorce does not need mentoring (to return to their spouse), correction (ie, You are a Christian, and Christians don’t get a divorce), or judgment (Ie, I can’t see a reason why it would be okay for you to leave your spouse). It is even hard for everyone to tell you how sorry they feel for your kids, even if they don’t mean it judgmentally toward you. The divorced person knows it is hard on their kids. They already feel guilty! What they need is support and encouragement. Even if you believe divorced people go straight to hell, they don’t need to hear it. They are already feeling discouraged and guilty, and their whole world just came crashing down. If you are a Christian, remember that consequences for people’s actions will be dealt by God. God doesn’t need your help. The financial and emotional difficulties are pretty heavy for the first year or two, so the divorced person will suffer enough without your help. You never know what could happen in your own marriage to either make you desperately want a divorce or to actually become divorced: I certainly never saw the end of my marriage coming. Put yourself in that person’s shoes and try to imagine how you would feel if you lost everything. How would you want people to respond to you?

Tags: divorce, friendship, support

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 at 3:11 pm and is filed under Marriage, Divorce, Romance. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.